Knitty Kitty

I Love Nick (Happy Birthday to Me)

2007-12-14T15:30:00.001-08:00

Hi there everyone in blogger land.
I am gearing up to celebrate my birthday tomorrow (the big 2-5) and nick was super awesome to begin the celebrations for me.
In honour of my birthday I have quit my job, so hopefully I will have more time to blog then.
So thanks everyone who remembered me and that I am still out there and if you will excuse me, I have to convince my kitten to stop eating my hair so I can go for my favourite Friday night activity, bellydancing.

Yes, I am alive.

2007-10-01T19:44:00.001-07:00

K so sorry for being AWOL for a while but I have been extremely ~~busy~~ ~~swamped in work~~ just generally out having fun.

I would promise to try and be a better blogger but I feel my connection with the whole blog world sort of dying so why not just a little wrap up of recent events?

I attended the all night art festival here in Toronto called Nuit Blanche

I bought the wedding dress on weekend trip in Ottawa.

I graduated from my Masters with an "Award for Academic Excellence"

I wandered through the "word on the street festival" and got some free books!

I even got in a fight with a guy in a progressive bookstore.

Yea okay, the fight in the bookstore probably needs a little elaborating.

I was wandering through the bookstore in the "political thought" section that just so happened to be predominantly feminist. I was wearing a plain old t-shirt when this guy, who must have been there under duress, says to me "do you notice that the label says 'political thought' but it is all feminist", now this is not my store and I have never stepped foot in here, I don't even look like I work here but this man wants me defend the views of the store. I decide to leave it alone and ignore him when he grabs Maureen Dowd's 2005 publication off the shelves and decides to try again to engage me, apparently I resemble Maureen Dowd (I wish). He went to the obvious and said "I bet if a man had written it and it was called 'Are women necessary' it would be considered sexist". I decided not to ignore this one and just said "yea probably" and moved back towards TFG in hopes he would leave me alone if I was no longer near the feminist section.
Now the whole thing was friendly enough and he smiled asking if he was "getting a rise out of me" but at the end of the day there was this underlying idea that as a feminist I must be expected to defend the thoughts of all feminists. Are feminists still that marginalized that we only have handful of ideas we all believe in? Are we still considered man-haters?
Like any arena of political thought, it is open to scrutiny (and should be scrutinized just like anything else) but unlike a political party with one leader and one voice feminism and feminists do not a have a leader or a single unified platform, and if we did our leader would not be Maureen Dowd.
For that reason I don't think we should be open to the same scrutiny as someone with a bumper sticker supporting the democrats or the republicans. It just isn't that simple.
Feminism isn't a simple philosophy, it is a means of engaging with other philosophies and I hope the next well meaning guy that walks into a bookstore hoping to get a "rise" out of someone can recognize that.

Fuck You Vibrel

2007-08-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, I went through a two year period in my life where sex was impossible due to a sexual dysfunction. While I was able to get the help I needed and get everything back in working order, not all women are that lucky. For those women there is not much being done to help them and that is why I got excited when I saw a billboard for a product called "Vibrel". The ad shows a very large tube of lubricant with the FSAD (Female Sexual Arousal Disorder) next to a little blue pill that says "ED" above it. The words "now there is help for women, available at your pharmacy!" are plastered across the bottom.

Now what does this ad say to you? Does it indicate that medical research has been performed? That pharmaceutical companies are taking women's sexual health as seriously as they do men's?
Does the fact that you have to go to the pharmacy to buy it make you feel like it is a drug?
Unfortunately it is a load of bullshit. The product is available at a pharmacy but you don't have to go to the pharmacist to get it, and at $30 for 3ml the product isn't even approved by the FDA.
The vibrel website claims the "prescription version" is currently under review by the FDA, they are more then happy to sell it to you before approval.

So why does this whole thing piss me off? Because so much effort and money keeps being poured into developing pills like Viagra and Cialis so that men in the 80's can keep getting erections and yet there is no serious R&D trying to help women in their 20's who cannot physically maintain a normal sexual relationship due to serious medical problems.

The iPod Wedding

2007-08-06T18:15:00.000-07:00

As the growing number of wedding related responsibilities start to pile up I am thinking of going for an "iPod wedding", which basically means I don't want to bother with a DJ.
So I have to ask, are there any songs you wonderful people in blogger land think are essential to a wedding? Any that you would rather die then have to dance to one more time?

Top 5 reasons I haven't posted in a while

2007-07-17T18:20:00.001-07:00

1) see below
I am in love and I'm not ashamed of it.

2) I have an insane job taking care of all activities for 14o spoiled rich brats from all over the world. I'm le tired.

3) I have taken up drinking with my new friend at work. Why come straight home when I can drink away the stress from work with someone who can commiserate? I think my boss should cover my liquor bill. cheap bastard.

4) Cottage - lake, beach, no internet, no work. love it.

5) Summer in Toronto = stinking hot apartment, no air conditioning = many a cold beverage on a rooftop patio listening to jazz.

Caption Contest

2007-06-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

and please give me a damn good reason not to bring this kitten home.

How Canadians do Reality TV Better...

2007-06-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

I could tell you all about how I have been dealing with a mice problem through valium (for me, not the mouse) and double gin and tonics consumed with a transexual escort named Misty or about how my job that I am supposed to finish at 5:30 every day keeps me in a stuffy residence room surrounded by old nuns but I'm really tired.
And I have to go camping with 30 Argentinians who don't know how to do their own laundry.
So instead of boring you with all of that I want to share something that has made me laugh over and over.

Enjoy and have a great weekend. I hope enough of my fingers won't be eaten by the black flies in Algonquin Park so that I can tell you all how it goes.

May 24th, 2008

2007-06-03T20:39:00.000-07:00

Mark your calendars. I am getting married.
I spent all day Saturday with TFG, his mother and my mother. I was shocked by how seamlessly our mothers got along and how quickly a person could see 7 different possible wedding locations.
I also didn't realize how big of a wedding my mother is expecting.

Apparently I am hiring a wedding decorator and serving "surf and turf".

And so it begins.

Jobs

2007-05-31T05:44:00.000-07:00

I am starting to think that I am too eager to please, especially when it comes to work. My father instilled a very strong work ethic in me at a young age and by example taught me that working late nights for no overtime just so that you can stand out as a model employee is worth it. To his credit, this mentality has served him well (as an employee, debatable as a father). The other reason I think I am too eager to please in the workplace is that I have been hired for most of my jobs based on connections through family. I feel added pressure because it is not only my reputation but my family or friends reputation on the line as well.

So as I get ready to start my job tomorrow, working for the same ESL school as TFG, I am freaked. While there is the initial pressure of starting a new job, there is the added pressure that every time I speak with my new boss the responsibilities keep growing. I will be the "Supervising Coordinator" for a teen summer program of international students here in the city to learn English. I was told that all of the afternoon activities were booked and I would be confirming booking. Now it seems that not only are there no bookings, it will also be my responsibility to determine what "good activities" will be.

Shoot me now.

Bring on the Vegetarianism

2007-05-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

So my dad made ribs this weekend and I've never been a big fan, they always make me feel like a Neanderthal. As I am mowing down on this bad boys I came across a vein. Then I saw this , am I the only one completely disgusted by the thought of a pre-teen running around the woods with a pistol?

I'm thinking I might stick to tofu for a few weeks.

Good News Everybody!

2007-05-23T09:51:00.000-07:00

So I'm walking on the beach up at the cottage this weekend with TFG and he turns to me and says
"You know you are my best friend, right?"
"Yes, and you are mine"
"And you know I want to have a house and babies and a life with you, right?"
"Of course"
"So, [bends on one knee, pulls out beautiful ring] would you like to marry me?"
"YES!!!"

So there you have it ladies and gents, Little Miss Knit will soon be Little Mrs. Knit (but not Little Mrs. TFG!)

See Ya Jerry!

2007-05-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Well Jerry Falwell is dead, apparently the human body can only handle so much hatred and anger.
Can we look back at some of his more famous quotes?

“It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening”

“The whole (global warming) thing is created to destroy America's free enterprise system and our economic stability”

'“(re: 9/11 attacks) "...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."”

When he finds out that God is actually a feminist lesbian he is gonna be so sorry...

2007-05-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

39 pages later.
7,932 words.
I am a teacher.

I survived

2007-05-02T06:09:00.000-07:00

2 rounds of applications where I was rejected
1 round trip to Australia to attend teacher's college
Endless papers and exams
100 days of practical experience teaching other people's classes.

All that is left is a 7000 word paper that I must get my ass on.
More to come when that is behind me, and hopefully some other good news.

The Power of a Few Words

2007-04-26T18:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my last day of my internship. I have come to very fond of many of my students and I feel at home there. I am genuinely going to miss it.
Still I am very seriously considering skipping my last day.
There was a threat. One of our students, one of the weird ones that you sorta think might actually do it, threatened to "steal our souls" and "spill our blood".
He has been removed and is under his parents watchful eye.
The plan was threatened for Friday.
Most of our students won't be coming to class.
The teachers are debating it.
We have been asked to "patrol the halls" during our planning period. That is the school's idea of "added security measures".
Don't misunderstand me, I would take a bullet for my students but it would be nice if the school didn't ask me to actively seek it.

I just wanted to teach.

Feel it.

2007-04-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

500th post.

32 people have names

2007-04-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

but we don't know them yet.

Deceased

Jocelyne M. Couture-Nowak, faculty French instructor
Rachael Elizabeth Hill, 18 freshman
Ross A. Alameddine, 20 sophomore
Christopher "Jamie" Bishop, 35 tenure-track professor of German
Ryan Christopher Clark, 22 senior
Daniel Perez Cueva, 21
Kevin Granata, faculty professor of engineering science and mechanics
Caitlin Millar Hammaren, 19 sophomore
Emily Hilscher, 19 freshman
Jarret Lee Lane, 22 senior
Matt La Porte, student
Liviu Librescu, faculty A Holocaust survivor who had taught at Virginia Tech for 20 years
G.V. Loganathan, 53 professor of civil and environmental engineering
Henry Lee, aka Henh Ly, 20
Juan Ortiz, graduate student
Erin Peterson, student
Mary Karen Read, 19
Reema Samaha, 18
Leslie Sherman, student
Maxine Shelly Turner, 22 senior
Wounded
Guillermo Colman, student
Heidi Miller, student
Kristina Heeger, student
Derek O' Dell, student

My students are asking question about how this could happen, any suggestions?

Crap I'm old

2007-04-16T19:43:00.001-07:00

5 years ago when I got a stomach flu nobody batted an eye.
Over the weekend I had a stomach flu and I 5, count' em 5 people ask if I was pregnant.

I'm not by the way, and I have the stupid stick you pee on to prove it.

people are so damn nosy.

3 links

2007-04-11T18:46:00.000-07:00

I can't come up with five, so really it isn't stealing.
2.5 weeks to go until I'm done my teaching internship!!!!!

This made me angry

This mad me laugh. over and over and over.

This made me want a dog.

Can I tell you about my fabulous weekend?

2007-04-02T16:13:00.000-07:00

Thanks.

It started off on Saturday when I got to sleep in be greeted by the ever-so-lovely TFG. We walked over to the local coffee shop and enjoyed a cup and scone, then we moved on to the used book store where I bought the "Thursday Next" literary crime series thereby setting my summer reading list quite nicely (now if only I could knit and read at the same time).

After the bookshop we went for brunch and live music down the block from our home, where we were complimented on our book purchases by the lovely tattooed waitress. Three cups of coffee later we erratically spasmed our way home and settled in to get major work done.

15 minutes later we were in bed, having wild, passionate, neighbour-annoying sex, followed by tv in bed. and more sex. and more tv.

Sunday brought a trip to the yarn store and two new "addi turbo" circular needles and much knitting most of Sunday.

Monday jarred me back to reality unfortunately as I stuttered my way through a lesson on Macbeth.
Much planning to be done lest I make a fool of myself again.

I'm alive

2007-03-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

I swear.
I have been tit-deep in teaching Macbeth and Life of Pi
5 more weeks.
Only 5 more weeks.

I am ever so sorry blogger,

2007-03-11T15:48:00.000-07:00

But I have been cheating on you. I heard about this site this week called "Facebook" and I have been playing on it maniacally ever since. At first it seems harmless, you start off finding one friend you knew in elementary school and the next thing you know you are whipping out old year books and looking up everyone you ever ate lunch with in high school and ex-boyfriends, oh the ex-boyfriends.

The first couple of days were fun, looking people up, seeing girls names that have new names added on, seeing who had kids, who got fat but eventually you start to get your nerve up and you message people. You have this wonderful honeymoon period where you catch up with long lost friends but slowly you realise that there was a darn good reason you didn't stay in touch and that your lives are so different now that maybe you can't just pick up where you left off in Grade 12 English.

So I'm sorry Blogger, I cheated on you but my time with facebook is slowed down now and I will make sure you get my utmost attention starting very soon.

Oh Ann Coulter,

2007-03-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

I wish I could reinstate your vagina just so I could revoke it all over again. and again.

You are a bloody idiot.

The fact that you have three ways with Satan and Hitler did give me some solace.

2007-03-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things can be so overwhelming that trying to write about it (or anything else) can seem like a major task.
Hence my absence.
As we all know, I stayed with my grandfather for a couple weeks and helped move him to Ottawa.
We also know that my grandmother died a few years ago.
This weekend I had to go through their things and figure out what to keep, throw out or give away. It was frightening how much stuff they had in their house that they never used, it looked like they bought some of the things we found and then wrapped them up in 50's newspaper and never looked at them again. What a way to live your life.
When my grandmother died I never really got to mourn her and going through her things made me realize that maybe she wasn't as awful as I remember.

Or maybe I just want to believe that.

I promise to bring back the happy soon enough...

The Horror of The Job Hunt

2007-02-27T13:20:00.000-08:00

TFG has been having a very difficult time finding a job. Today's most amusing posts for job possibilities come from Craig's List.

1) "Trim My Cats Claws for $20"

My cat, moses, needs his claws trimmed. Even though Moses is super friendly, I usually don't do it myself because he just gives me this look and I can't go through with it. In other words, my cat owns me. $20 is what I usually pay when I post an ad on craigslist. I would like to done ASAP.

2) "Valid License"

i am seeking a person to work for wednesday from 11am to 1pm , excellent remuneration, just driving the van GMC Safari between one location to another, no lifting required and this is ongoing...every week the same route hours may be extended for a suitable person. Preferred person living around westend(kipling queensway). Needed urgent...can start this week

I figure that the cat clipping job might not pay well but at least TFG won't end up in jail.

Ah the joys of travel.

2007-02-19T17:19:00.000-08:00

Ever weekend since TFG and I moved back to Toronto has been consumed by unpacking and family obligations. If we weren't knee deep in boxes, we were stuck in traffic as we slowly crept on the slushy highway to one more birthday party or "stag and doe".

This past weekends drive made all of them worth it though, because we got to see this:
Thank goodness I had my camera.

Fuck you John Petroski

2007-02-12T18:20:00.000-08:00

John!
What the hell did you think would happen when you wrote your little "satire"? Did you think the ladies would fawn over you after you cited the rapes of Sabine and Lucretia? Did you think that by dropping names like Lucius Tarquinius Superbius and adopting the style of Swift and his "Modest Proposal" that it would excuse you for your disgusting and deplorable rant?
Two years ago when I was a young co-ed I dealt with knuckle-dragging-mouth-breathers like you. When we served a cake shaped like a vagina to celebrate "V-day" the lovely newspaper editors published a picture with the caption "ooh, tastes like fish". We didn't take it too seriously, but it certainly tainted our attempt to bring awareness and mainstream discussion to an important cause.
John, are you being raped? Figuratively or literally? Was the editorial board giving you crap? Did you feel that the newspaper wasn't letting you print the hard hitting articles a University paper needs? If so, I am sorry but that does not excuse your inability to grasp the obvious. For this reason I think you need a bit of a refresher so here ya go:

1) Rape is never funny.
2) Rape is never ever funny.
3) No matter how many fancy words or ancient history you cite, rape is never funny.
4) "Ugly chicks need love too, but they gotta get raped" is never ever funny.
5) You are not funny.
6) You are not "a bold satirist whose message fell on deaf ears" you are just an asshole.

Fuck you very much,
Knitty Kitty

Question for Mr. Cunt Puncher

2007-02-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

Does the tat get you the ladies?

(sorry for the link, blogger wouldn't upload!)

Oh The Joys of Teaching!

2007-02-08T14:11:00.000-08:00

My home base while I teach is the library and because of that I have a variety of interesting conversations with students. One such conversation was not so much interesting as it was scary.

After school today a student asked to borrow a pair of scissors. After trying a couple of draws with no luck, I asked the girl what reason she had for needing them she said "The mouse on the computer I logged onto is missing and I need to take the mouse off the other computer". She thought that in order to do that she would have to cut the cord on the mouse.
What she thought would happen after she cut the cord I don't know, I just don't plan of giving out scissors. ever.

Must. Blog. Something.

2007-02-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

But I got nothin. I've been working my tail off to get my apartment in order while also teaching all day at the local high school.

I've tried writing something interesting a few times but I keep coming up short.
Instead would you settle for a laugh and the knowledge that I am still alive?
Whenever I have a panic attack about teaching I just think about Michelle and giggle, is that wrong?

Things I have learned...

2007-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

After I walked into a nearby school and 20 minutes later had my internship secured, I am apparently presentable and can appear competent. Woohoo! Now if only I was competent.
I came to understand how quickly a person living in an abusive relationship can be conditioned to prevent the abuse as much as possible. I was frightened by how quickly I learned to do things a certain way to prevent my grandfather from yelling at me.
If I could wake up one morning and knit as fantastically as Miss Kendra I could die happy.
No matter how many times I move, it never gets any easier. At least this time we have only been here a couple of nights and our art is already on the walls. Now only if I could get the boxes out of my way.
I forgot just how bloody cold -12 degrees C is.
I forgot just how much hard work shoveling snow is.
iTunes audiobooks are brilliant when you need to read a book and unpack.
After watching TV with TFG last night, I remembered just how deaf he is. Oww my ears.
Christians need sex toys too, but they have to go to a special store.
Nick can't spell fellatio.
Making Ikea bookcases level is a bitch.
In the caption contest there is a tie (official judges being myself and TFG) " Face-Eating Vagina Attacks Again! Spectators watch in entranced horror!" and " everybody wins in "spot the lesbian.""
Sitting here blogging whilst TFG puts things away is a little annoying, off I go!

2007-01-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the Great White North.

I have escaped the evil clutches of my demented Grandfather with his maniacal anger at a variety of things (like sneezing). Moving into my new place with TFG was a breeze but that might only be because half our stuff isn't here.
I have had a thoroughly depressing week and am still in recovery from the soul crushing experience living with a man with alcohol-induced dementia who was never really nice to begin with.
I will have better news and a winner from that ingenious contest, in a couple of days after I finish my detox.
Now if you will excuse me, "Snakes on a Plane" is awaiting my passive enjoyment.

Crazy Caption Contest!

2007-01-17T17:58:00.000-08:00

While our darling Miss Knit is away in the great white north, I would like to enlist your help in an entertaining diversion: write a brilliantly clever caption for the picture below. Whoever is deemed the winner by Miss Knit when she returns will win a prize of my choosing. Get to work, O snarky ones!

Happy Fucking New Year

2007-01-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

Want to know the one thing I truly hate about the New Year?! Ad's for weight loss programs/foods or pills.
Why do all the "After" pictures look like anorexic twigs?! I see these women in the "After" shots and I want to tie them to a chair and feed them a burger. The worst is the "Total Cereal" ad.

If you have not had your retina's scared by this terrible ad, let me give you a quick synopsis. A woman is going through her old clothes and finds some torn up jeans she wore back in her hippy days. Her daughter sees them and says "ooh mom, you used to fit in these?!" the mother is so shamed by her daughter's comment that she goes on a "Total" diet and loses enough weight to fit into the same jeans she wore when she was 20.

Can I just give a big ol' "Fuck you" to Total Cereal? A 40 year old woman and a 17 year old girl do not have the same jean size and quite frankly, they shouldn't.

If I could rewrite this advertisement it would go like this:

*jeans get pulled out of old box*
Daughter: Wow mom, you used to fit in those jeans?
Mom: Yes dear, then I gave birth to you, you ungrateful shit. Get your god damned hands off my jeans.

2007-01-15T23:11:00.000-08:00

I am beyond frazzled trying to pack up so I can leave for Canada early at 3am on Wednesday. 6 suitcases of my crap later and I have TFG worried that our apartment might not be big enough.

Since I'm sure you don't want to hear me sing the praises of safe spacer bags, I would rather introduce you to this website. Some people believe that the internet was created to share ideas and information, others think it was invented to distribute porn and bootleg movies. The guys responsible for "You Suck at Parking" believe it should be used to shame people who don't know how to park their freaking car and for that, they rock.

subtle hint to my contributors, your help would be greatly appreciated while I get settled in Canada. Unfortunately my Grandfather does not have WiFi.

Reason number 223665433 that my family is fucked

2007-01-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Oh fair bloggers, as I finish the last glass of a fantastic bottle of wine I feel the need to share a short conversation that I had this evening with my parents whilst watching "24". I think that this interaction with them is a great example of why I am so messed up, in a socially positive way.

As my father left the living room adjacent to the kitchen to grab a piece of chocolate the discussion began:

Dad: I am going to get chocolate, I could get it for myself but...
Me: That would be terribly rude
Mum: Bring the chocolate or suffer the consequences.
Dad: Fair enough, I do want to get laid tonight.
Mum: ::exasperated sigh::
Me: Dad, so do I but some things just ain't happening.
Dad: Ah well, worth a shot.

Scientists have not fathomed a number high enough to count the amount of times my parents and I have had a conversation filled with talks of sex or sexual innuendo.

As I begin to ponder having my own children I feel like I should record these moments and show them to them when they take me for group therapy.

Imagine if you will,

2007-01-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

That you are walking down the street, it is a nice bright day but it is terribly cold. You go to open the cold metal door to your office, wincing in anticipation because you forgot your gloves an you know that handle is gonna be hella freezing when all of the sudden, you see this:
Thats right, your door got hit by knitted graffiti, by the people of "Knitta Please" making the world a hell of a lot warmer.

Little Miss Crafty

2007-01-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

Another reason why I haven't been blogging very well lately? My fingers have been too busy being crafty.
First thing I made was a knit skirt.
I loved making this skirt because it fits me absolutely perfectly.

With the left over yarn I made a pair of "Fetching" gloves and will probably make a gazillion more pairs of because they are just that comfy (and easy!)
So far I have made one other pair and started another.
Since I have no project monogamy I of course moved on.

My project polygamy was fueled whilst watching the DIY network, these fabulous washer necklaces spoke to me, so I made a bunch of them.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go back and think up what to knit for the men in my life.
Any suggestions?

Wow

2007-01-09T23:33:00.000-08:00

My posts have been sucking it lately and between that and big group hangover we are all experiencing the comments have been a tad low, I'm okay with that but I figure I should talk about it.
My posts have been sucking because well, nothing has been going on that is worth writing about! I used to be seeing all sorts of fabulous interesting things when I was in Australia, even if all I had to do was step out my door. I haven't even gotten that far lately. The best I've done is Costco and the dog park and while I have made funny observations at both places (like how the bibles and the O'Reilly books are next to each other) they haven't really seemed blog worthy. The other reason my posts have been weak can be attributed to family issues. My father went to visit his siblings and father only to figure out that his brother (who was the only one in a 5 hour vicinity) had been slowly watching their father kill himself through malnutrition and alcoholism. This piece of human garbage I no longer call "Uncle" threw frozen dinners at my Grandfather during his once a week drive-by visit on his way back to his house to eat the lobster he bought at Whole Foods. So now my grandfather is in the hospital and things here have been stressed to say the least.

The good news is that TFG has found me a fabulous place to live and I can't wait to move in and start feeling a little more settled.

As far as the weak comments, I put the blame for that squarely on you people, especially you lurkers.

So in honour of De-lurking week, can I introduce Fluffy?
I wouldn't ignore Fluffy.

The gift every woman wants

2007-01-09T11:09:00.000-08:00

I have been singing this all day. NSFW
Thanks to TFG, I found out that there is a reply

Enjoy!

Beyond Fat Camp

2007-01-08T14:13:00.000-08:00

Apparently weight loss camps in the summer are not enough for some families. According an article I read today overweight children can now be banished to a boarding school as well. In the article it explains that at this school students are restricted to 1,200 calories a day and 12 grams of fat. The school website boasts of students losing 150 in 9 months.
So there you go parents of the "overweight generation", for a mere $5,800 per month you too can have the skinny child you always dreamed of.

Dear Prospective Landlords,

2007-01-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

I know that TFG and I do not seem promising and that our application looks a little sparse, but if you could give me a second, I can explain why we would make good tenant.

The whole no-job = no-money thing
Now, lets start with the whole lack of income thing. I am a student and I only have 3 months left where I will working very hard for no pay. After that, I will find a job doing something and we are offering to pay 4 months in advance to show we have financial backing, so really that should cover it, right? TFG will be getting a job ASAP, but it is terribly difficult to get a job when you can't put a local address on the application (see the terrible cycle we are in?) and right now he is spending all his time looking for a place to live!

The whole no-references-you-could-be-serial-killers-thing
First of all, let me assure you that we are not serial killers. We do have references, but they are from Australia and they would have nothing but glowing words to say about us. Now I know that calling Australia would drive up your phone bill and figuring out that pesky time difference is extra work over the other tenants who have never left Toronto but I believe we are worth it.

Rent to us, we are adorable. We are quiet, don't fight and don't cook too many stinky things (I do enjoy onions). I know that at 4 pm we were "at the top of the list" and that other people might come in and apply with shiny local references and jobs, but we can promise:

We will never cook meth
We will bake cookies at Christmas
We will not spray paint the walls
We will not throw rowdy parties
I will knit you something pretty
We will keep the kitchen impeccably clean
We won't play heavy metal music

So please Mr.Landlord, I just can't stand another day of searching for listings and TFG can't look at one more stinky, awful place.

Sincerely,
Knitty Kitty

check out my other letter, to TFG below!

Dear TFG,

2007-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

I have a couple of concerns. Your absence has caused a serious gap in my life. A gap no amount of masturbating can fill (believe me, I've tried and I have the carpel tunnel to prove it) and think you need to start taking care of it. Now I know, I know, I will see you in 2 weeks, and you were here over Christmas, but to you remember how much sweet love you gave me over Christmas?
Yea. Once.
So while I know you said "I can't wait until we finally and romantically hump" that just isn't enough for me. You need to do more before I burn the motor on my vibrator.
I will accept the following:
Saucy pictures (of you or others, par example: Jake Gyllenhaal)
Saucy phone calls
Saucy emails
Or just find me a place to live.

Fucking Apartment Hunting

2007-01-03T21:43:00.000-08:00

I started off my apartment hunting on New Years Day and it has gone downhill. I started off with dreams of "Friends" style, large apartments with nooks near large windows or high-ceiling lofts with funky bookcases creating rooms. I was getting creative and downright hopeful.
It was all your fault, you crazy people who list "spacious, well lit bedrooms", art-deco design and beautiful patios.
You all lied
A "spacious" bedroom is more then 10x10.
Slanted roofs are not art deco.
After TFG spent a whole day driving around looking at apartments and came up short .
My dreams have been reduced to nightmares of shitty bachelor apartments like this:
Kill me now.

I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it.

2007-01-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

The lovely pendant was a gift from Tits, so it seemed appropriate. NSFW

Happy New Year!

Craig's List. It's the new crack.

2007-01-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to find an apartment in Toronto. Seeing as TFG will be doing all the running-around-viewing of the places, it is only fair that I do all the leg work. There are word documents and excel spreadsheet documenting my hours on various websites. My favourite at the moment is "Craig's List" .
The fantastic thing about it is that it is free. Free means that people can put up pictures and as much information about the unit as they want. I am using this to my advantage. The only problem with it is the constant updating. I can't help but continuously return to the site, updating to see if new rentals have been posted. I can't stop.
Just like crack, after a little taste of what Craig's List has to offer, I am left wanting more, to venture out and see what else is available to me.
First I looked into what I could pick up for free in the Toronto area. To my surprise there are great things out there like couches and beds and gerbil cages! The lists go on and on!
After that I decided to try out the jobs section and it contained the usual telemarketing and modeling jobs, kinda boring. Then I found this fabulous "Adult Gigs" section.
Did you know that someone would pay me disgusting amounts of money to put on stilettos and kick a man in the coin purse?
When I told my brother about my new addiction he let me know about the "Best of Section" that he claimed was the most fun of all.
He was right.
The best of, should you ever have the chance to peruse its contains rants to people of all kinds as well as strange requests. Things like a mother offering to pay for a prom date.
My favorite is still "197 reasons to date me" with such fantastic reasons as:
164. I've never been on Jerry Springer
165. I may have already won $10,000,000.
126. I smell pretty good (Kind of citrusy and pina-coladaee)
04. I'd fuck Angelina Jolie too

Now if you will excuse me, this post took 3 hours to write due to constant refreshing of the list, so back I go.
Happy New Year.

A round up

2006-12-31T18:31:00.000-08:00

Of my super fantastic year...

January
TFG and I ran away to Australia and lived in stinky, flea ridden hostels.

February
TFG and I are still in hostels for the beginning of the month and deal with the insane heat in Australia. I begin to deal with Aussie Television and talk about my double baptism

March
TFG and I are adopted by a lizard, my brother gives it a back story. We finally see a koala and a kangaroo . We ventured out for St. Patty's day and got really silly. I open a can of worms.
TFG and I attend a "bad hair party"and my poor hair suffers.

April
I visit "The big Pineapple" .
Blogger: Knitty Kitty Can't Think of a Title - Create Post
May
I start partying with SaucyBrit and wake up with dental floss between my toes.
My building got hit by a bus.

June
Went to Sydney
Began our road trip.

July

Got stuck in Mossman, are treated like kings by nudists
I bring "Boob Scotch" to the masses.

11:00 pm, New Years eve... I give up.

Eeep

2006-12-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

I'm glad I don't have any New Year's Eve plans, because I accidentally waxed a fair portion of my left eyebrow off.

My mum claims that the little penciling-in-job I did makes it hardly noticeable, but she isn't wearing her contacts. I may very well look like this.

All I can do is pray it gets very very cold here so I can wear a toque.

I'm starting to see...

2006-12-27T21:52:00.000-08:00

...why my mum is cursed when it comes to electronics.

See, I got an ifrogz case from my iPod for Christmas and I had just put it on. I was showing her how pretty it was when she took in and tapped my iPod on the ceramic tile counter a few times. The befuddled conversation went something like this:

Me: What the HELL are you doing?!
Mum: Just seeing if it works.
Me: What was the up side to this test? If it doesn't you have to buy me a new iPod?!
Mum: Well I thought that was what it was supposed to do!
Me: It's silicon! A thin, rubbery plastic! How about I wrap your desktop in newspaper and drop it off the top of the stairs!
Mum: I see.
Me: Don't touch my iPod. Ever.

San Francisco

2006-12-26T21:59:00.000-08:00

TFG and I went to San Francisco for a few days to visit some old friends of his and his godson. When we first got there we were saying things like "lets have babies in 2 years", the next day it was 4 and by the time we left we were planning on adopting a ten year old in 7 years.
2 year old are cute though and sometimes they know it. Godson had a way of picking out words he heard that he knew he wasn't supposed to say and repeating them. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation he would look up from his book and say "Goddammit this is terrible!" and of course we would all laugh and he would repeat it.
My favorite had to be when TFG was reading to him:

Godson: The dragon in the book has a tail.
TFG: yes a lot of dragons have them.
Godson: I have a tail, it's right here *points to his back* do you have a tail, TFG?
Me: Oh he sure does.
Godson: Can I see it?
TFG: Oooookay.... Back to the story...

Children are a hoot, especially when they aren't yours.

Merry Christmas

2006-12-24T13:56:00.000-08:00

My Christmas Card to all of you.

But seriously, I drove back from San Francisco last night and on the way I was parked on the highway for an hour because of a 4 car pile up. Considering the shape the cars were in I could tell that some people are going to be having a really horrific Christmas.
It blew my mind that as soon as we got out of the accident and back into the fog people started driving 85 miles an hour "to make up time" and almost hitting me in the process.

If you are traveling this year to visit any family or friends, please be safe.

San Francisco Way

2006-12-18T23:56:00.000-08:00

Please excuse my lame post but this was the longest period of time I could get since TFG got here where he wasn't molesting me.
Thank you all for the fabulous birthday love, it was a lovely day. I had a great pedicure (pictures to come) and my mum bought me two pairs of frivolous shoes (pink and blue heels).
The highlight of my day had to be my fabulous gift from Tits and the explanation I had to give to my mother concerning it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you tits. There was much squealing.

There will be pictures soon of the lovely pendant between my bosom.

Well enough about me, can we talk about the freak show called "Identity"? For those of you that didn't watch the rerun on Bravo because your boyfriend's jetlag is keeping you up, this show lets a person make judgments about a person's "identity" based simply on looking at them. If you make enough correct guesses you win half a million dollars but a little piece of yourself dies.
Watching the thought process of the contestant unfold is possibly the most revealing thing about a person you could ever see, it might be a good way to weed out dates, make them play the online version and let all their prejudices come out. The contestant is presented with 12 people and choices (ranging from profession, medical history or interesting facts) that they have to match the people to based on how they look. I thought profiling was wrong?

If the show lasts more then a month then I would take it as a sign of the apocalypse.

Back to the molesting, better posts after Christmas I promise.

Happy Birthday To MEEEEEE!!!

2006-12-15T00:31:00.000-08:00

Today I turn 24.
My brother turns 19, we are freakish 5-year-apart-twins.
That lucky bastard.

Today's agenda includes some new shoes and birthday sushi, how lucky am I?!
Send me some birthday love, cause I ain't getting any at home.

Dear Annie...

2006-12-14T10:36:00.000-08:00

I read this in my local paper this morning I thought I would share the stomach churning goodness.
Dear Annie:
I can sympathize with "Losing it in North Carolina," who found out about his wife's sexual past.
Alright, lets stop here for a second. When I saw this I thought that this man's wife cheated on him. Otherwise, what is such a big issue that it is worth writing in for?!
Like him, my wife swore there was only one guy before me (that was 25 years of marriage ago). Last year, I found out there were at least five others.

5 whole men? What a whore.

I felt duped into marriage, but I have grown to accept that these things happened before we met. We've talked a lot in the past year, and I think our relationship is better now.
Wow, aren't you a big man, do you want a cookie? A standing ovation for accepting that your wife had a life before she met you!?

The problem is, I can't stop asking my wife about the details. I spend lots of time thinking of questions regarding her past. Not only does she not want to discuss any of this, she gets very angry whenever I bring it up. Can you blame her? I told her this is my way of trying to come to grips with it. What is there to come to grips with exactly? Is it OK to keep asking her about these details, or should I try to find some way to erase my memory? -- Lost in Virginia

Alright, so honestly, am I overreacting about this guy? Do you think men (or women) have a right to full disclosure before getting married or is it really none of our business?

Might as well face it.

2006-12-12T22:47:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks without TFG and I'm a total wreak. Having to let go of the life I made in oz and the friends I had as well as prepare for a totally new challenge in Toronto has a lot to do with it too, but when I used to freak out about these things he would snuggle with me. Also, for those of you playing the home game, this Thursday is the 2nd anniversary of my grandmothers death but enough of all that.

On to happier things, like my birthday!!
Unfortunately the bar is raised high after my last birthday especially since I had the honor of a song from our very own monkey!

So this Friday, try and top that.
I dare ya.
Please, I really got nothin going on.

Shudder

2006-12-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

Children's letters to God

2006-12-11T09:06:00.000-08:00

My favourite is :
Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

2006-12-08T13:14:00.000-08:00

It's a Knitter's World

Check out this video, it took a month to knit the sets!

Have I Told You Lately, That I Love You?

2006-12-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

Miss Kendra?
Today my holiday goodness arrived, and it is FANTASTIC!!!
Shall I walk you through it?
First there was a lovely card, I've always wished I had pretty handwriting.

Then there was this amazing bag!
Our crafty Miss Kendra turned a pair of green corduroy pants into this kickin' purse.

See why it rock? it is lined and has pocket and everything!

And last (but certainly not least) there was a lovely set of magnets, one with my blog header picture on it!

Thanks tons Ms.Kendra!!!!

God Damned Republican Dentists.

2006-12-05T18:47:00.000-08:00

I've just finished ~~reading~~ devouring "Running with Scissors".
This book has given me a new perspective on my life and my mother in particular. Can I just say, she rocks?

My republican dentist however is a condescending bastard. Today I was asked to come in one hour early for an appointment, then I had to sit and wait for 45 minutes. Already I'm a tad miffed.
While he is jabbing the side of my mouth with big, sharp needle he starts talking the the nurse:

Stupid Dentist: Considering this filling is on a contact point we should probably use the alternate filling style. The usual style might not be able to handle the wear and tear.

Nurse: Would you like me to talk to her?

Stupid Dentist: Yes you talk to her while I go speak to her mother.

At this point I don't know what the hell is going on. Are they talking about me? a previous patient? Then the dentist leaves and I give the nurse my best "WTF" face without being rude. She then explains to me that because of where the filling is being placed they want to use a silver filling instead of a white one because they don't last as long. I ask a couple questions and I agree that the silver one is probably best, not that she was asking my opinion in the matter.

The dentist then returns, jabs me some more and starts scraping at my teeth, causing that awful burnt-out-hair-dryer-smell. Ewww...
Before he is about to place the filling in he interrupts his current "why I'm a friendly republican" story to ask the Nurse if she and I had discussed "the situation".
If I didn't have three hands in my mouth and a hole in my tooth that needed filling I would have left. I wanted to scream at him "What the hell is with you!!?! Have you ever read my chart? You are aware that I turn 24 next week not 14, right?! You know that I can make informed decisions? You know that it is your job to inform me of my choices? WHY would you leave this to your nurse, we aren't talking about my first god-damned period here, its just a filling."

But I didn't. I Just sat there with the three hands in my mouth, not very sure what was going on and how deformed my smile would be and then got in the car and cried.

I hate depression.

Further Proof

2006-12-04T14:53:00.002-08:00

We are taking baby steps to a healthier body image, but they are tiny ones.

Remember how I bitched about Dove? Well they have somewhat redeemed themselves with this video.

In a not so positive step, in reaction to speculations that Jennifer Garner is pregnant, she has come out and said that she isn't, she is just fat. "I am as physically unfit as I've probably been in my whole life. It's such a horror in front of the mirror with no clothes on." she also says her trainer is appalled, "My trainer just shakes her head and says, 'This is a disaster.' "
Thats right everyone, at a whopping size 8 she can't look at herself naked in a mirror. While she should never have to explain to the media how she let herself balloon out of control like this, Jennifer Garner can still bite me.

Baby Steps

2006-12-03T11:15:00.000-08:00

Step 1: Admit that models are underweight and start doing something to encourage them to change

Step 2: Hire normal looking women like Crystal Renn to model for major fashion houses like Dolce & Gabbana.
<--- isn't she gorgeous?!

Step 3: Don't relegate her to "plus sized"

Ah, the weekend.

2006-12-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

I was gonna bitch about this but instead, how about some humor?

i see..

2006-11-30T23:40:00.000-08:00

Apparently gabbin 'bout 'gina's is too much for you people.
How about a song?

powered by ODEO
That's right, barbershop is making a comeback.

Vagina, The New Accessory

2006-11-28T22:42:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, vagina it's the new "property of Tiffany's" or midget little yappy dog, the kind of item a Hollywood it-girl cannot leave the house without making sure everyone knows they own.
Seeing as Britney Spears(NSFW) and Lindsay Lohan (also NSFW) can't seem to remember to put panties on when they leave the house, I'm starting think that maybe it is on purpose (no one can be THAT dumb can they?!) and I for one am not for it. I mean think of the car upholstery!?! No one wants to deal with that. So I have a few suggestions for all the young ladies of Hollywood that feel they need to compete with Lindsay and Britney:

If you feel that you would like to put your cooch on display, that is your prerogative, but could you maybe give it a little style, Britney and Lindsay's style is sooooo Sinead O'Connor. The next thing you know their vaginas will be hosting SNL and doing awful things to pictures of the pope. Take a look at this book for advise of how to fluff and style your hair down there.

Now I know I may sound like your grandmother, but you knows what goes nicely with a short skirt? A pair of knickers. If you want to compete with the girls while still giving a little flash, then how about a pair of panties that empower the pussy? You could be really creative, I mean look at any of the 12 thousand options on cafepress!

If you are willing perhaps let your vagina be represented in a different fashion, can I recommend one of these?

You could go a little DIY and make a coin purse:
See how pretty that is?

How about a little piece of jewelery?
This way you could show your solidarity to the bearded clam club without flashing it all over the place, and hey it's kinda stylish!

If you want to go a little "medical-textbooky" you could get a little more graphic, maybe show a whole uterus on the side of your purse,

If you are willing to go medieval, well, pre-medieval (is that just call "eval"?) can I suggest the shield?
I think it could go well with a pair of Uggs!

So there ya go ladies, a plethora of options that you could consider before you run out pantie-less.

This Knitty Kitty

2006-11-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

Started Blogging 2 years ago today.

This year has been insane, and I've already done a few retrospectives, so I think I will republish my favourite post ever, but first I would like to know your favourite, so let me have it.

All of the Sudden

2006-11-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

I am especially thankful for water

Want to Give a Gift?

2006-11-25T09:05:00.000-08:00

Give it to these people.

If you do, your heart will grow three sizes that day, just like the Grinch.

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-22T23:04:00.000-08:00

Even though we are crazy Canadians we love a good reason to cook a turkey so we will be celebrating with bean casserole and all the flyer's we can handle. We will not however be partaking in the time honoured tradition of post-thanksgiving shopping. Good news in my life is that TFG and I will be able to have our very first Christmas together and for that I am very thankful. I know it's cheesy and oh-so-charlie-brown Christmas of me but I have a few other things I'm thankful for and I feel the need to document them...
- Since last thanksgiving I have managed to do and see some amazing things. Things I could have never thought I had the courage to do and I never imagined it would be so seamless.
- I got to play house with TFG for close to a year and it was fantastic.
- Despite a scare, my family all have their health and are happy.
- I have lots of fun and exciting changes in store for next year that I hope will lead to a more permanent life.

I'm especially thankful for my friends out here in blogger-ville and I hope you all have a great day.

Oh Great.

2006-11-21T01:50:00.000-08:00

So now when the aliens land on earth their first words to humanity will be "Take me to your Colonel"

What teenage boys do when they aren't drinking?

2006-11-20T00:45:00.000-08:00

The big reason I have a hard time living at home is that there is absolutely nothing to do in the sad sad suburbs. My brother decided to return the favour for all the fabulous times I gave him in Australia and invited me in on some shenanigans he had going on while his friend was out of town.
My brother got some friends together and 16,000 post-it notes and this happened.
At the end of the video the gnome's post-it's say "I did it"

5 things

2006-11-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

Nick tagged me for a meme where I get to tell you "Five Things You Don't Know About Me That Should Probably Remain That Way".

Lucky you.

1) 3 months into my relationship with TFG I developed a sexual dysfunction that took 2 years to treat and "fix".

2) In order to remained "fixed" I have to keep in "practice" (take that as you will).

3) I never had acne on my face, only on my butt. Make-up is a breeze, but bathing suit shopping is a nightmare.

4) I've never been on a real date, just always fallen into long term relationships.

5) I have fun catching TFG off guard and licking his nose (somewhat on the inside) and his eyelids. It grosses him out to no end.

In other news, thank you all for the kind wishes! The doctors sent a very carefully worded letter saying that my mother's latest tests "seem" normal so all is "seemlingly" well here at Casa De Kitty.
You are all more then welcome to be brutally honest about the new template, the last one was too bland, also if anyone knows what I need to center the current one, please let me know.

Back in the U.S.A

2006-11-16T21:34:00.000-08:00

I made it home safe and sound, but I had to experience Wednesday for 40 hours, watch 8 films, eat 4 airplane meals and sleep a total of 8 hours. I flew business class so I can't really complain about the flight.

While I was in the air there was a small tsunami in Japan, my uncle died and my mother's monogram caused "concern" with her doctor.
Lovely.
The jet lag hasn't really hit me yet and while seeing my dogs and my family is great, the suburbs of California are nothing compared to my tiny apartment in Brisbane and the whole life I just left behind.
It's 9:30 pm on Thursday but my laptop clock says 3:14 pm on Friday and I don't really want to change it.
I'm sure it will get better, I was just so used to being full on everyday, either teaching or traveling around seeing new things and the most exciting thing that happened while I was gone was that a "Staples" opened up near our house.
Woopie! I can buy paper a mile away when before I had drive one suburb over.

TFG Rules and other musings

2006-11-08T23:35:00.000-08:00

I Heart Early Birthday Presents.

I don't care all that much about country music awards, but this is still hilarious

It's been nine months but I finally realised that when the aussies say "car-key" (phonetically) it is actually the word "khaki"

Tommorow is my last day of practical experience and I'm looking forward to getting drunk in the teacher's lounge during "friday focus". I just think a school with a fridge filled with booze is fantastic.

Just as I'm about to leave Australia, "Daily Show: International Edition" comes back on the air. Bastards.

Thoughts

2006-11-07T03:21:00.000-08:00

Spanx are brilliant, unless you need a wee or want to breathe
I had my last meeting with my knitting group tonight, they gave me timtam's and a card and little toothpicks with australian flags on them. I wanted to cry.
Melbourne Cup is fantastic excuse to wear a frilly hat.
8 days until I go back to California, then 2 months later I go back to Canada. Seeing as it is a lovely 35 degrees (real degrees not fahrenheit)
It took three tries to spell fahrenheit. stupid word.
I know there is a titch of controversy over Ted Haggard but the bottom line for me is that if you are a major leader in an organisation, ANY organisation (religious or corporate) if you are routinely dropping meth and hiring prostitutes that is gonna catch up with you and get you fired.
If you have never seen Saved! you need to, right now. Go.
Back? Alright my favourite part is at the end when the lead character states "So everything that doesn't fit into some stupid idea of what you think God wants you just try to hide or fix or get rid of? It's just all too much to live up to. No one fits in one hundred percent of the time." Maybe Ted should watch it.
I should probably try and start packing 9 months worth of life into 2 suitcases.
Screw packing, I'm going to bed.

Yea but not but yea but...

2006-11-04T23:22:00.000-08:00

If you have not discovered "Little Britain" yet, find a way.
It is one of the funniest sketch comedies I have seen in a really long time.
I was shocked and horrified to find out that I have been here 1o months and there have been 3 seasons of this show and I never knew about it. To top it off after I leave a live show will be starting a tour of Australia.
Now for your viewing pleasure, a clip:

Grey's Anatomy

2006-11-01T23:19:00.000-08:00

I'll admit that I watch the damn show and that I cried whilst watching the finale (they killed the dog!!) but there is something about the show that irks me.
I cannot stand the "main" character.
TFG and I have discussed this, and the whole "will they, won't they" topped off by Meredith Grey thinking she can date both of them (I've seen the first two episodes of season 3) makes me crazy.
I've decided the vet and the doctor should run off together.
That would make the most sense.
Then they can dump Grey in a lake and rename it to "Yang's anatomy"

Am I alone in this? does anyone out there in blogger world like this twig of a woman? Or care about Grey's Anatomy at all?

What I've got on my plate right now...

2006-10-31T13:21:00.000-08:00

Stupid idiot students who put up pictures of themselves in uniform trashing the school on the internet. They put their full names and some actually have their addresses. Then they give me crap when I tell them to take that bull off or they will be expelled (as per the message from the principal).
Today is TFG's birthday!!! Seeing as I have been celebrating it since saturday I'm a little 'YAY for TFG''d out. It has been hard for him since he doesn't have very many friends here so send him some birthday wishes that would be sweet.
I'm leaving Australia in 2 weeks.
Writing this post has made me 20 minutes late for work but I don't really care.
I had my review from my school and she could hardly say anything to me because all the other teachers kept coming up to her to talk about how fabulous I am. No pressure.
I still don't have a placement in Canada so I don't know where I will be living/ when I need to move in (each school would need me to start at a different time).
No one here cares about halloween. Probably because it's bloody hot and beautiful out.
I should probably go to work.

I'm still floating...

2006-10-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to make every weekend before I leave (2.5 weeks and counting) TFG and I went to Byron Bay and stayed here
TFG did some diving and saw sharks, turtles and rays while I was lazy reading my book by the pool. To top off out luxury weekend, I treated TFG to a half day at a spa (for his birthday). We went all out and had the "Romantic Celebration"

Allow us to create a truly romantic time for you and your partner with this exquisite package. A complete body exfoliation using a mixture of exotic herbs and spices,
followed by a tranquil soak in a scented bath. A relaxing Swedish Massage with an intoxicating blend of essential oils continues this sensual indulgence.
To conclude this divine package, relax on the Balinese day bed with a glass of champagne and a glorious fruit platter.

To top it all off we had a 2 foot long lizard come in (he was attracted to the heated hardwood floors) and we decided to share some kiwi with him.

"I love Australia note of the day"

When I first got here it as snowing these beautiful flowers called "frangipani"(I know I've mentioned them before)

Last week they started blooming here and I found my first one on the ground.

If only I could plant a Frangipani tree in my backyard in Canada, I would be a happy girl.

Well then...

2006-10-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the country was all a flutter with talk of Australia's most influencial Muslim leader and his comments that women who go out "uncovered" are like uncovered meat, and you can't blame a cat for coming around and eating. He was refering to the "awful" sentence of 65 years for Muslim boys that gang raped a woman in Sydney.
I was somewhat hesitant to get outraged over this because all I could think of were the Pope's comments and the reaction that incited.
But then I read a transcript and there doesn't seem to be a way to get around the fact that he is blaming the women for the gang rape:

Satan sees women as half his soldiers. You're my messenger to achieve my needs. Satan tells women you're my weapon to bring down any stubborn man. There are men that I fail with. But you're the best of my weapons.

"The woman was behind Satan playing a role when she disobeyed God and went out all dolled up and unveiled and made of herself palatable food that rakes and perverts would race for. She was the reason behind this sin taking place.

Personally I think this whole thing is offensive to men and women. The last time I checked men are capable of rational thought and aren't incited into acts of violence because a woman flashed some ankle.

That's all for now, off to work.

Sorry....

2006-10-24T05:22:00.000-07:00

While my mother is counting down the days until my return (I get emails every other day letting me know just how many days I have left) I am not so happy. As much as I LOVE getting to move around, uproot my life and reformat it like TFG's shitty computer (feel the sarcasm) I forgot that one thing that is even worse then packing up and leaving is having to go back. There are people that I will be leaving here who (as I found out over the weekend) will be immensely sad when I depart.
TFG and I have made a little life for ourselves, our people at the bank know our name, our grocer knows us, the guy at the movie store doesn't ask for our PIN and we are just generally cozy. It's like "west end" Brisbane is our own crazy little town from "Gilmore Girls".

So why should you care about all of this? Good question.
With my leaving in 22 days, I have been spending as little time as possible in front of the computer and as much time as I can enjoying my last summer in Brisbane (for a while anyway).

I've decided to start a list of things I love about Australia and it will continue to grow long after I leave and start missing it...

I love that I know what "Hotter then a Gold Coast Meter Maid" means.
I love that most aussies I know are aware that vegemite is the shit they scrape off a beer barrel (the stuff they can't put in the beer) and they still spread it on toast.
Ilove that I lived in "Brizney Land" aka "Bris-vegas" aka Brisbane and I didn't know that until I went to Melbourne.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE Passion fruit

So Sue Me

2006-10-21T11:55:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and wanted to post, but I just put up that brilliant post on baseball curses and the evil that is Bill Buckner, so I thought I would come over here. It seems as though our dear Miss Knit has been a busy little bee lately, so surely she won't mind if I put a little sumthin' sumthin' up on her special area. By which I mean blog. Come on people, try and keep those thoughts pure for, like, 5 minutes.

Entendre aside, in 2004 Kansas voted for George Bush by a 2 to 1 margin. It's not a surprise really, Kansas has been a Republican state for a long long time. I didn't vote, because voting is stupid. (just kidding, calm down) But recently a strange trend has started to occur, despite what everyone sees on the news, our idiot Board of Education banning the theory of evolution, Fred Phelps picketing the funerals of dead soldiers blaming homosexuals for their deaths and what not, Kansas is becoming more and more moderate as time goes by. We elected Kathleen Sebelius, a democrat, governor in 2003 and more recently we had 9 state representatives change their party affiliation from republican to democrat.

Mark Parkinson was the former chairman of the Kansas Repuclican Party and he switched his party affiliation to run for lieutenant governor alongside Sebelius and was recently quoted in the Wichita Eagle as saying "I reached a breaking point, I want to work on relevant issues and not on a lot of things that don't matter." Parkinson favors stem cell research, evolution in the schools and a woman's right to choose.

Unfortunately we're not quite over the hump yet. Not with people like Phill Kline on the loose. Kline is a staunch supporter of Creationism in schools, he has fought to publicize the names of women who have had abortions, regardless of the circumstances and most recently was found to be soliciting churches in the Wichita area to support him and raise money via their clergy, which is a direct violation of Section 501(c)(3) of the US Tax Code. These churches stand to lose their Tax Exempt status by violating the IRS Regulation the prohibits churches from supporting any political candidate. Incidentally, Kline is our incumbent Attorney General. I know, right?

Kline is neck and neck with Paul Morrison, one of our new democrats, who swiched sides in attempt to oust the terrifying Kline.

The political landscape in Kansas is not quite as bad as the national news portrays us, but it's still unfavorable if you are gay, a woman, a minority or any combination of those. However, with Gov. Sebelius, Howard Dean and a slew of new democrat's help we're slowly getting better.

This message paid for by Citizens For Recreational Lesbianism.

Gotta end it classy.

Go forth!

2006-10-19T01:57:00.000-07:00

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.
Go right now and wish Tits McGee the Birthday wishes she deserves.

Need reminding about why Tits rules? Check out my ode

Why My Weekend Rocked.

2006-10-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Seeing as my last post apparently made me sound like Helen Lovejoy, I thought I would tell you about my fabulous weekend.

It all started on Friday when I got to go to bed at 8 pm. Being a student teacher, especially on the first week is stressful and tiring, so getting to sleep from 8pm until 9 am was fantastic.
On Saturday morning TFG and I went to the best fresh produce market EVER! Here are just some of the fabulous things we bought:
We had such a lovely time at the market we decided to be super lazy and read by the pool followed by a "nap". We woke up just in time to have friends over for my latest experiment of polenta with fresh prawns, sun-dried tomatoes, locally grown olives and a variety of other lovely things.

There was many a round of mojitos (because we had fresh mint) and our favourite card game, WIZARD!!!

We made it to bed around midnight and had a fantastic sleep since it was a cooler night. On Sunday we had a nice breakfast followed by another "nap" then off to our local coffee shop called "The Three Monkeys".
It is most certainly the "most atmospheric cafe in Brisbane" and I love it for the massive-fuck-off coffee.
there was a great picture of me sipping it but there was massive amounts of cleavage and while I am the kinda girl that shows off her tata's at the coffee shop, I would rather not have them broadcast on the Internet.
Anyways, back to the massive coffee, I mean it comes in a bowl!!!
After coffee we buzzed back home, did laundry (god I love clean sheets) and I made another fantastic dinner. It all started with a mango-capsicum salsa,

Then a curried couscous with raisins, shredded carrot, chopped nuts and other lovely, tasty things.... Brought together with a delicious Mahi-Mahi steak and a DVD of "Whale Rider"
I was beyond glad to have one of my last weekends in Australia (I go home Nov. 15th) be so fantastic, but now its back to the daily grind of teaching in an all-girls catholic school, more on that later!

The Pros-ti-tots are at it again

2006-10-12T00:52:00.000-07:00

While it seems like a natural progression (encouraging young girls to dress like whore to providing them a quick means to act like ones) it still sickens me.

What's worse? That the store I got this image from is sold out of them? Or that it says on the box "suitable for ages 6 and up"?

ick ick ick...

Ya don't say?

2006-10-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

Posh Spice felt the need to share how awful she looks naked.

I'm inclined to believe her.

Either I Blog or I Explode...

2006-09-30T17:18:00.000-07:00

and I choose to blog.

I have returned from Melbourne an angry woman. Don't get me wrong, Melbourne is beautiful and I saw some amazing things (like little penguins and the twelve apostles) and hung out with fantastic friend of TFG from all over the world, but I'm still angry.

I'm angry at my mother's travel companion who we shall call the UglyAmerican. If you are not familiar with the term "Ugly American" it is defined as such:
"For some reason, the people I meet in my country (Burma) are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."

Before I begin my rant let me say that I don't believe that all Americans embody this trait, I have just had to experience 5 days with one, and will have to endure 6 more when she stays at my house. If I were not oh-so-Canadian and polite this is what I would say to this foul chore of a woman that has been imposed upon me.

Dear UglyAmerican,

I don't know what drug you slipped my mother that made her believe in a moment of mental fog that travelling with you would be a good idea but that drug has worn off and if you aren't careful, she may kill you. Here are some tips for ensuring you live long enough to return to your blessed homeland of plentiful ketchup and right-sided roads:

Australians drive on the left side of the road, not "the wrong side."
If you want ketchup, ask for it and pay the 10 cents. If this makes you "feel fat" then don't eat so much damn ketchup. In the US the cost of ketchup was factored into the price you were paying for it.
Au-st-raa-lia is not Ha-wa-ii. It is not Germany, stop comparing it to other vacations you have been on.
Also, just because you saw the Rick Steves sanitised version of Europe does not make you "Lord of the Globe". If I gave a flashlight and a map you couldn't navigate yourself out of a paper bag.
Australia is not Bangladesh. No offence to Bangladesh, but it might be a logical question there to ask if they have electricity, more then two gas stations or if "the dryers dry clothes".
Holding up your index finger and snapping "cappuccino" whilst refusing to make eye contact after a friendly 'how ya goin' is a great way to guarantee spit in your coffee.
We don't care about every single "cute" kitschy piece of shit, made in china souvenir you see. Stop poking us in the arm and jumping wildly. You are giving us bruises and we all might have to wail on you.
It is not necessary to verbalise every lame-ass thought that passes through your fractured, sad, fox-news-addled cerebral cortex. I know you like toast, shut up.
If I turn on the tv, while you are sitting with me, don't ask me "who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said who's that guy?" I JUST TURNED ON THE FUCKING TV, I DON'T KNOW. Commercials are the time to chat yet you become oddly silent during them only to chat up a storm during the show.
Thanks to globalisation one can purchase any number of spices in the United States. If you really feel it necessary to buy IGA brand cheapest-of-the-cheap paprika, that's your choice but stop talking like you're fencing stolen uranium. Trust me, US customs won't give a fuck.
It is pronounced "nu-tella" not "nut-ella"
It is pronounced "divor-say" not "divor-see"
I get it, you like gay men.
If you don't do any legwork into choosing the accommodation, you don't get to bitch about it.
quit hording your little packets of "equal" that you smuggled in like they are ancient Mayan gold. We have chemically produced shit here, too.
If someone is enjoying a snack (say, a muffin) that is not, not I REPEAT NOT an invitation to stick grubby little digits and rip out half the muffin to shove down your ever-widening gullet. Buy your own fucking muffin.
While were on the subject, if you do decide that what's yours is yours and what's mine is yours, at least make the effort to ask instead of saying "you won't use all that" and shove your knife on my plate.
If you step on someone's toe, the correct response is "oh, I'm terribly sorry" not "oh, it wasn't that hard". It's my toe, bitch! I'll tell you how hard it was.
Taking a bath in perfume then getting in a car for 8 hours is just fucking ignorant.
"American" is a nationality, not a language. Even if it was a language, you have not mastered it.
Hey Cratchet, take Christmas off and put the ledger down, you are on vacation and don't need to write down every fucking penny you spend.
The coins in Australia are just fine, I know they make no sense to you but that doesn't make them special.
Touch my fucking muffin and I will bite off your finger.
The only thing tackier then bringing in your own can of coke to a restaurant is to bring in the little 200ml can of coke you stole on the airplane.
If we don't respond, we can hear you, we just chose to ignore you. It is either that or give you the beating you so richly deserve.

Sincerely,

Knitty Kitty and TFG (NOT YOUR FUCKING TOUR GUIDES)

Superman is a gay sadist. Discuss.

2006-09-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Nick Here

2006-09-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna give your blog a little CPR and, you know, slip it a little tongue while doing so.

That's how I roll.

Everyone that uses the phrase "That's how I roll" owes me money. I coined the phrase in 2001, you can ask any of my real life friends. I should've had it fucking copyrighted.

Anyway, stolen idioms are not why I am here today. Please help me pick out a new pair of sunglasses.

As you can see, I am ultimately buying avaitors, the differences lie in mirrored or non-mirrored, framed or non-framed and amber or some other color.

I'm currently leaning towards B or E.

Thanks for your help with this important matter.

How lazy has a kid got to be...

2006-09-23T02:07:00.000-07:00

... to play Lego on their TV?

Kitty!

2006-09-20T12:50:00.000-07:00

This is the life!

2006-09-18T17:35:00.000-07:00

I love guest blogging! Good luck with the exams and have fun with your Mum, Miss Knit! We'll miss you!

HELP!

2006-09-17T03:26:00.000-07:00

Between 2 exams and a major project (9,000 words and counting. seriously) I want to rip my hair out.

But this Sunday I get to go to Melbourne for a week to meet up with my mum!
After a week with her there, she will be coming to Brisbane to hang out here for a week.

So if my lovely contributors could return and keep the blog fires burning that would be great.

I'll be back with interesting stories and more energy.

Musical Revolution

2006-09-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

TFG and I have been on a music buying spree, here is a list of the fabulousness rocking out of my ghetto stereo:

Feist - Open season
- A remix of various song on her 'Let it Die' Album. Too much fun.

The Herd- "The Sun Never Sets"
- A great mix of fun and political music, from a great Aussie band. Definitely my kind of hip-hop.

The Grates - "Gravity Won't Get you High"
- The Grates captured me with their song "Inside/Outside" that I heard on the radio unedited (a shock for me with the chorus "some motherfuckers think they are born to dance"). If my mum wasn't here when they were performing here in Brisbane, I would be there in a heartbeat.

Lily Allen- "Alright, Still"
- Because sometimes a girl want to hear silly little pop songs about a girl living her life, not taking any crap.

Panic! At The Disco "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out"

I love the names of tracks on this album, so long and inviting. This is a great album to have on in the background since all the songs flow together and you never know when one song ends and one song begins. It's also great to listen to closely since the lyrics are so quick.

Where is everyone?

2006-09-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

Since long posts scare people, I will be brief.

This shocked and saddened me

This made me happy

This made me giggle with glee and start my birthday/xmas list

Updated:

This made me laugh... I mean spewing milk out my nose.

I am currently in the process of creating a 2 year work program for years 11 and 12 English. One of my units is in Science Fiction and I'm trying to relate it to teenage girls.
Can anyone think of science fiction novels, appropriate for a 17 year old audience with girls involved? That would rock.

From WTF file #4453354322234

2006-09-12T14:38:00.000-07:00

At a caucus meeting today, up to nine Labor MPs expressed concern about Mr Beazley's proposal to make anyone entering Australia pledge their commitment to values such as democracy, respect for women and mateship.

Some MPs feared the plan would be misinterpreted and be seen as entering a divisive race debate with the Federal Government, a party spokeswoman said.

"There were a number of caucus members, about nine caucus members, who raised the issue of the visa and values statement," she said.

The spokeswoman said the majority of people who spoke were concerned about the way Labor's stance could be interpreted, but Mr Beazley gave a strong defence of his decision to raise the issue.

He told the meeting Labor should be arguing about the importance of true Australian values and that this was part of that.

The spokeswoman said no one contended that Mr Beazley's statement was adding to divisiveness.

"There was a desire indicated to have a further discussion about these kinds of questions which was really a reference to the broader debate about divisive politics, rather than the very specific debate about visa conditions," she said.

"A number of caucus members indicated their general concern that with (Prime Minister John) Howard re-raising issues associated with the Muslim community, that they were concerned that once again Howard was out there playing divisive politics."

Some caucus members told the meeting that Muslims in their electorate had suffered from being targeted in the past by having their head scarves ripped off, children spat at or being ignored by staff in shops.

"There was a concern about the divisive nature of some of these debates," she said.

Meanwhile, the Australian Greens today accused Mr Howard and Mr Beazley of "appalling populism" for considering asking new arrivals to sign a values pledge.

Senator Kerry Nettle demanded they provide evidence of any crisis of Australian values before insisting on any such requirement.

Mr Howard said he would consider Mr Beazley's suggestion that Australian visa forms could include a statement of Australian values so all people arriving in the country would understand what was expected of them.

"Yesterday, Kim Beazley signed on to John Howard's appalling populist agenda by suggesting migrants and visitors who don't sign on to Australian values are part of the terrorist threat," Senator Nettle said in a statement.

"Where is the evidence that there is a crisis in Australian values in our community? There is none. It is simply a populist scare campaign."

Senator Nettle said new migrants were some of the most community-minded, hard-working people, and it was appalling to question their commitment to a safe and peaceful country.

"Mr Beazley should think about the effect his comments have on new migrants and those coming to visit before coming out with ridiculous unworkable and essentially meaningless proposals like this one," she said.

If someone is coming into your country with the explict plan to blow shit up, do you really think they will be stopped by a "pledge"??

I also love the part about the pledge including "respect for women". Are you going to make current citizens make the pledge?!

WTF??!?

The beauty of Australia.

2006-09-11T05:43:00.000-07:00

*Note to The Todd, this post contains some chilling details about my love of a certain singer that you think deserves "shovel justice" please don't see it as a huge failing in character*

One of the great thing about living in Australia is that some of your favourite bands come here and aren't incredibly popular, so when they perform in a small venue you can get there 10 minutes before the concert starts and still be 5 feet from the stage.

A few weeks ago I was having a shitty day and I decided last minute that TFG and I should go to a Mraz concert going on that night. Mraz was his usual funny and entertaining self, but every time he stopped talking the audience would holler out names of songs they wanted him to play. The poor man felt like a bloody jukebox! While I felt bad, I couldn't help it and I yelled out "Please play I'm Yours!!!"

Since this little ditty of his is only available on one of his first EP's, he was understandably surprised and looked at me and said "seriously?!" and I of course jumped up and down like a giddy school girl.
He came back out for the encore and said "I'm gonna play a little hippy song about love"
I screamed.
Embarrassingly so.
As soon as he started singing I turned around and started making out with TFG, as this is a song we normally dance and make out to in our kitchen.
Little did I know that Mraz and his drummer were staring at us and were quite impressed. There was a certain level of whooping and hollering and it made me feel a tad silly, but I didn't care.

As we were leaving the concert I saw that I could sneak up to the van and probably rock it all the way into the backstage area if I could play it cool enough. Since I would never have the ovaries to pull that off I settled for a note on a paper bag put under the rear windshield wiper.

Greatest. Night. Ever.

If you are keen to see/hear the song, through the glory of youtube it is available here (could I recommend that you put it on and minimize? he looks rather constipated while singing)
So what song makes you think of the person you love/d?

Eeep!

2006-09-10T16:22:00.001-07:00

Seeing as I am one wild girl, I have to get thing ready for TFG's return.

I think I'm ready to get started, I've got my high heels on and my hair is done up.

I had better start dearling with dishes first...

Then there is the little problem of the living room. I really should have kept the crowd for the party under a hundred. Anyone got a shovel?

I REALLY shouldn't have let those crazy people steal all my furniture and spray paint the walls of the bedroom.

With the whole place nice and clean for TFG's return, there is one thing left to do...

Shave (NSFW)

kookaburra

2006-09-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Merry, merry king of the bush is he
Laugh, Kookaburra! Laugh, Kookaburra!
Gay your life must be

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Eating all the gum drops he can see
Stop, Kookaburra! Stop, Kookaburra!
Leave some there for me!

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Counting all the monkeys he can see
Stop, Kookaburra! Stop, Kookaburra!
That's not a monkey that's me

Kookaburra sits on a rusty nail
Gets a boo-boo in his tail
Cry, Kookaburra! Cry, kookaburra!
Oh how life can be!

Want to hear what a kookaburra sounds like?

The kookaburra have come to my neighbourhood and they wake me up at the crack of dawn.
Still gonna miss them when I leave.

Best. Excuse. EVER!

2006-09-08T22:13:00.000-07:00

A Swiss man caught speeding on a Canadian highway has blamed his actions on the absence of goats on the roads.

The man was caught driving at 161 km/h (100mph) in a 100 km/h (60mph) zone.

A traffic officer's notes said the Swiss driver had said he was taking advantage "of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".

Canadian police spokesman Joel Doiron said he had never found a goat on the highways of eastern Ontario in his 20 years of service.

"Nobody's ever used the lack of goats here as an excuse for speeding," Mr Doiron told the AFP news agency.

"I've never been to Switzerland, but I guess there must be a lot of goats there," he said.

The driver was ordered to pay a fine of C$360 ($330; £175) for speeding.

Source