Probably not smart of me. Figured I should kind of explain myself and my spazzy blogging. I'm just freaked. The move to Australia is coming fast and I feel like I'm 17 all over again shipping off for my undergrad.
I've been incredibly stressed by my two computer science courses. They are distance studies and they have no deadlines except the exam, and even that I decide.
I don't work well that way. I need specific deadlines with consequences. I keep feeling like I should hold on to my assignments and work on them, make them better.
Part of me wonders if I'm sabotaging myself, giving myself an out.
I keep thinking of all the people I would disappoint.
I feel ridiculous. All these opportunities laid out for me and I have the nerve to come here and bitch about the pressure. Seems ungrateful.
Can't sleep.
Been very productive though. Something clicked this week. I got to use the guest bedroom space and all of the sudden, I could work. I hope I can keep this up.
6 more weeks until my goal date to write the test
6 weeks to write 4 assignments and 2 exams.
Is it wrong that I'm not excited about Australia? That I don't stay up awake at night thinking of all the fantastic new experiences I'm gonna have, but instead get excited at the thought of coming back from Australia, getting a condo with TFG and starting a life.
With a dog.
And a Sunday morning paper and coffee in bed.
Well I feel incredibly naked right now, and will probably delete this tomorrow morning when the wine wears off and I realise what a spazz I am.
I've been incredibly stressed by my two computer science courses. They are distance studies and they have no deadlines except the exam, and even that I decide.
I don't work well that way. I need specific deadlines with consequences. I keep feeling like I should hold on to my assignments and work on them, make them better.
Part of me wonders if I'm sabotaging myself, giving myself an out.
I keep thinking of all the people I would disappoint.
I feel ridiculous. All these opportunities laid out for me and I have the nerve to come here and bitch about the pressure. Seems ungrateful.
Can't sleep.
Been very productive though. Something clicked this week. I got to use the guest bedroom space and all of the sudden, I could work. I hope I can keep this up.
6 more weeks until my goal date to write the test
6 weeks to write 4 assignments and 2 exams.
Is it wrong that I'm not excited about Australia? That I don't stay up awake at night thinking of all the fantastic new experiences I'm gonna have, but instead get excited at the thought of coming back from Australia, getting a condo with TFG and starting a life.
With a dog.
And a Sunday morning paper and coffee in bed.
Well I feel incredibly naked right now, and will probably delete this tomorrow morning when the wine wears off and I realise what a spazz I am.
7 Comments:
Of all the nights I go to KC it has to be the one where you stay up past ten. Little Miss Goodie Two Shoes.
I know you will be fine and as the date gets closer you will become increasingly excited and anxious all at once. You will be a ball of nerves. and personally I can't wait to mess with you.
:p
Knit, it's totally ok that you're feeling like this and totally normal. I don't know all the details of what you're doing--why you're going and for how long--but it's going to be a huge change and of course you're nervous and questioning yourself about it. As long as you acknowledge your feelings and understand why you feel the way you do, you can't go wrong. You're going to be just fine, and we're all a spazz every now and then.
The greatest fear is that of the unknown. And moving to a different country is a much bigger unknown than choosing an undergrad program. You can sort of know what it's like to go to college, no matter where you end up... not exactly the same thing with moving across the planet.
The only failure is in not being honest with yourself. You need to decide what it is that you truly want and do it. If your true passion is to become an auto mechanic and you choose to become a doctor, you will have failed yourself, even if you are financially successful. If you truly want to go to Australia and choose not to because you're afraid, you will have failed yourself. If you don't want to go at all but decide to do it anyway because you're worried what others might think, you will have failed yourself.
I think it's wonderful that you want to settle into an apartment with TFG, and become parents to a wonderful little dog...BUT... if you do that instead of going to Australia because it's safe, will you truly be happy? Or will you always wonder "what if?" Don't allow yourself to have regrets because fear plays a part. It's only natural that it does, just don't let it take over your life.
Why did you want to go to Australia in the first place? Are those reasons still valid? If not, then rethink the issue. Like I said, the only failure is in not being brutally honest with yourself. The disappointment of others should be irrelevant. If you are true to yourself, and you are following your passion in life, everyone should be proud, no matter what the course you choose.
Just my opinion.
ah thanks guys.
I should explain that I'm going for a little under a year, and its to get my masters.
While I did say dog, I never said parent!
TFG is coming with me to Oz, and I think that I'm having trouble seeing the trip actually happen because of these courses and once they are behind me I will be able to focus on being excited about the trip
HELLO! Back up! Move to Australia? Please elaborate.
I said "parents TO a dog!" I consider my dogs to be my babies too!
my dogs are definetly a part of the family. Sorry for the misread, brooke, sis b and J and O I hope that my most recent post will clarify a few things.
I'm feeling much better and will turn the comp off before drinking from now on..
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