Saturday, September 30, 2006
Either I Blog or I Explode...

and I choose to blog.

I have returned from Melbourne an angry woman. Don't get me wrong, Melbourne is beautiful and I saw some amazing things (like little penguins and the twelve apostles) and hung out with fantastic friend of TFG from all over the world, but I'm still angry.

I'm angry at my mother's travel companion who we shall call the UglyAmerican. If you are not familiar with the term "Ugly American" it is defined as such:
"For some reason, the people I meet in my country (Burma) are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."

Before I begin my rant let me say that I don't believe that all Americans embody this trait, I have just had to experience 5 days with one, and will have to endure 6 more when she stays at my house. If I were not oh-so-Canadian and polite this is what I would say to this foul chore of a woman that has been imposed upon me.

Dear UglyAmerican,

I don't know what drug you slipped my mother that made her believe in a moment of mental fog that travelling with you would be a good idea but that drug has worn off and if you aren't careful, she may kill you. Here are some tips for ensuring you live long enough to return to your blessed homeland of plentiful ketchup and right-sided roads:

  • Australians drive on the left side of the road, not "the wrong side."
  • If you want ketchup, ask for it and pay the 10 cents. If this makes you "feel fat" then don't eat so much damn ketchup. In the US the cost of ketchup was factored into the price you were paying for it.
  • Au-st-raa-lia is not Ha-wa-ii. It is not Germany, stop comparing it to other vacations you have been on.
  • Also, just because you saw the Rick Steves sanitised version of Europe does not make you "Lord of the Globe". If I gave a flashlight and a map you couldn't navigate yourself out of a paper bag.
  • Australia is not Bangladesh. No offence to Bangladesh, but it might be a logical question there to ask if they have electricity, more then two gas stations or if "the dryers dry clothes".
  • Holding up your index finger and snapping "cappuccino" whilst refusing to make eye contact after a friendly 'how ya goin' is a great way to guarantee spit in your coffee.
  • We don't care about every single "cute" kitschy piece of shit, made in china souvenir you see. Stop poking us in the arm and jumping wildly. You are giving us bruises and we all might have to wail on you.
  • It is not necessary to verbalise every lame-ass thought that passes through your fractured, sad, fox-news-addled cerebral cortex. I know you like toast, shut up.
  • If I turn on the tv, while you are sitting with me, don't ask me "who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said who's that guy?" I JUST TURNED ON THE FUCKING TV, I DON'T KNOW. Commercials are the time to chat yet you become oddly silent during them only to chat up a storm during the show.
  • Thanks to globalisation one can purchase any number of spices in the United States. If you really feel it necessary to buy IGA brand cheapest-of-the-cheap paprika, that's your choice but stop talking like you're fencing stolen uranium. Trust me, US customs won't give a fuck.
  • It is pronounced "nu-tella" not "nut-ella"
  • It is pronounced "divor-say" not "divor-see"
  • I get it, you like gay men.
  • If you don't do any legwork into choosing the accommodation, you don't get to bitch about it.
  • quit hording your little packets of "equal" that you smuggled in like they are ancient Mayan gold. We have chemically produced shit here, too.
  • If someone is enjoying a snack (say, a muffin) that is not, not I REPEAT NOT an invitation to stick grubby little digits and rip out half the muffin to shove down your ever-widening gullet. Buy your own fucking muffin.
  • While were on the subject, if you do decide that what's yours is yours and what's mine is yours, at least make the effort to ask instead of saying "you won't use all that" and shove your knife on my plate.
  • If you step on someone's toe, the correct response is "oh, I'm terribly sorry" not "oh, it wasn't that hard". It's my toe, bitch! I'll tell you how hard it was.
  • Taking a bath in perfume then getting in a car for 8 hours is just fucking ignorant.
  • "American" is a nationality, not a language. Even if it was a language, you have not mastered it.
  • Hey Cratchet, take Christmas off and put the ledger down, you are on vacation and don't need to write down every fucking penny you spend.
  • The coins in Australia are just fine, I know they make no sense to you but that doesn't make them special.
  • Touch my fucking muffin and I will bite off your finger.
  • The only thing tackier then bringing in your own can of coke to a restaurant is to bring in the little 200ml can of coke you stole on the airplane.
  • If we don't respond, we can hear you, we just chose to ignore you. It is either that or give you the beating you so richly deserve.

Sincerely,

Knitty Kitty and TFG (NOT YOUR FUCKING TOUR GUIDES)



23 Comments:

Blogger Loz said...

i really feel for you... i want to kill her just from reading this post. ignorant cow that she is, sounds to me like she only travels to confirm in her own mind that America is the best place in the world. It's fine to believe that if you want, but I thought people travelled because they were open to and interested in how other people live?

on the plus side it's lovely to see you defending our strange ways ;)

Blogger Monkey said...

I know you like toast, shut up.

This is the most brilliant rant I've ever read.

I feel your pain Miss Knit. People like her should stick to Epcot at Disney World and leave the rest of us in peace.

Blogger Nick said...

Couple things.

1) Is "traveling companion" similar to "gentleman caller"?

2) Can I touch your muffin?


Also,

My sunglasses are very important you should weigh in.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Reading that just made my cramps worse.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I love you.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

loz- that pretty much sums her up, she comes from "America the Beautiful" and nothing can top it. It's funny that some of the things that annoyed her about Australia seemed a tad odd to us but we quickly rose to your lovely country's defense.

Monkey- Ya want to know another funny tale she likes to tell us over and over and over? I've had to hear about the letters she used to write the Trader Joe's to get them to put a store near her house.
You're right, Epcot is probably as international as she can handle.

Nick- Travel companion is way of distinguishing her from friends of my mother, she is definetly not one.
also, I like option A or E in the sunglasses department. Also, since you asked, you can touch my muffin all you want.

Ubie- I'm sorry, just remember that she isn't staying at your house.

Tits- I love you too.

Also, to all my lovely contributors thank you for your help so far, UglyAmerican and my fabulous mum come here on tuesday and I will still need your help until the following Monday.. thanks!

Blogger Sis B said...

if you get through her visit to your house without murdering her, i'm going to write letters to trader joe's to make you a saint. or at least name their tastiest muffin after you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I agree with everything you've written, but paying for ketchup? Really?

Blogger Loz said...

it's not ketchup unless you're in Americatown a.k.a: Maccas. tomato sauce, man.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Todd- Not as many aussies use ketchup, so you have to pay for it. I thought it was pretty silly myself, but once she started bitching about it I felt the need to defend it. Funny how that works.

Sis b- I so want a muffin named after me.

loz- no matter how many times I say "how ya goin" I still can't bring myself to call it tomato sauce.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I know how you feel. I didn't like living in Las Vegas, but when some self righteous New Englander would go on and on about the East coast, I would defend the fucking place.

Blogger Nick said...

Tits is a self-righteous New Englander.

Blogger Brookelina said...

When I backpacked I would tell people I was Canadian. It was too embarassing to be lumped in with the Uglies.

I really want to touch your muffin too.

Blogger Nick said...

I've got first dibs.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Maybe she'll get eaten by a dingo.

Blogger Toronto Film Grad said...

Nick, you better be speaking literally about touching her muffin.

Brooke, for you it's not necessary!

Blogger Nick said...

Fucking double standards.

Blogger Nick said...

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE:

I'm a big fat guy, of course I'm talking about an actual muffin.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Suck my dick, Nick.

Blogger Nick said...

'bout time.

Blogger Lo Lo Lova said...

She sounds DELIGHTFUL...

So, if she "disappears" in Australia, will anyone really miss her or even notice that she is gone?

I can have her killed within three hours.

Just say the word.

Consider this one a sampler from my man McDougal.

Seriously.

We got the GPS back. Give us coordinates and we'll take care of it.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Have you read "Me Talk Pretty One Day" by David Sedaris? He dedicates a whole chapter this woman's evil twin.

I hate provincial idiots who tour with their heads up their prospective asses.

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