So, Amy Spencer thinks she knows all there is to know about single ladies....
she can bite me
In reaction to this piece of garbage my twin and I have written our own list....
a photo of yourself photoshopped for posterity...
You know that fantastic picture you took of yourself and then screwed with on the computer so your butt will look higher, your teeth whiter, your boobs bigger and your tummy flatter? Remember how you slimmed out your thighs and erased that hair frizz?
Take that picture and set it as your lavalife photo, carry it in your wallet and use it as your calling card for dates! Men don't care what you really look like, the lights will be turned off anyways right?
And hey when you are 80 wouldn't it be nice to look back on the person you wish you had been instead of the person you actually were? Just think, with memory loss, you might actually think its you!
A pair of Come-Fuck-me-Boots
Every woman needs a pair of shoes that says "hey baby, I'm a big walking vagina!" and nothing does that like a pair of 7 inch heels. Who cares about the irreversible damage your are doing to the bone structure in your feet, or your early onset arthritis you could be causing, cause ladies, no ones likes to screw a shortie!
A Barry White Album...
Nothing says "panty remover" like a Barry White album. Keeping that in your collection will let him know, that while you may listen to "chick music" you still like to get laid...
A great pick up line...
Every woman has one, the way to a man's heart.... the pick up line! You need something that will make him realize if he comes home with you, he will be getting some and fast! But with all this
'tang running around you need one that will make you stand out, and let him know you aren't just going to screw his brains out, but treat him like a king.. Try this one on for size:
"Do you prefer a French Maid or a Nurse? I just want to know which one to wear when I bring you your coffee in the morning.."
A way to blow him off....
Sweetie lets face it, your eggs ain't getting any younger, don't kid yourselve into thinking you can turn someone down!
Beer..
Getting him Drunk can't hurt!!
Bathroom Reading..
Let him know you are a man's man and aren't afraid to let him look around a little. Leave a stack of Maxim and Playboy so he can have some five-finger-fun-time before getting to the main event!
A business card...
See (1) add your phone number, email, cell, address, and your website to the back so he can be sure to get ahold of you...
A Straight Male Friend...
Every woman needs one. Someone to open that jar of pickles you don't want to wreak your nails on, or to fix you plumbing... We all need a good Straight guy to help us put up our curtain rod, or build our latest Ikea purchase... Heaven forbid we do it ourselves!
Breast Implants...
No single girl can go without! The last thing you want is for your man too see the effects of gravity, I mean he is still perky, why aren't you?
Remember: Breast implants. How they feel to him is more important than how they feel (and function) to you! (Kudos to Nuclear Beaver!)
If you have any more ideas let me know and I will add it in..
5 Comments:
I used to call them "Knock me down and fuck me up" boots. That was when I was young, and didn't fall down when wearing heels over 2 inches.
As for the straight male friend - we all need those - for the "benefits".
This blog was awesome. I haven't laughed this hard in ages! Thank you!
Love...it...!
I thought that article was a bit annoying myself.
Blessed be!
You know, you'd be less upset if you stopped thinking of yourself as a human being. You should be marketing yourself as product, baby! It's the new millenium!
If you need me, I'll be under my bed. With my daughters. Praying for change.
Oh Ubermilf, don't hide your daughters, take them to kickboxing class!
brooke- everyone needs "benefits"!
NB- Thanks for the idea!
Crackerlilo- thanks for stopping by!
yea, the whole thing was ripe for parody!
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