First to get a bra
First to get her period
First to figure out how to work a damn tampon
First to kiss
First to have sex.
First to get engaged....
Girls compete. We all like to think we are part of a sisterhood but the truth of the matter is that we are all in competition with each other in one way or another.
Recently my friend got engaged and while happy for her, in the back of my mind I could hear myself saying "that lucky bitch".
All of the sudden I had put my relationship under a microscope and wonder why my fantastic relationship with TFG was suddenly so defective.
It's pathetic and depressing.
So why is it the case? Why do women ache for the big day?
Is the multi-million dollar industry of weddings and all the bullshit it comes with?
I would like to believe I'm not affected by marketing, but we all are.
I blame it on societal expectations and conversations with family and friends.
It doesn't matter where I go now, it's as if TFG and I have finished cooking and after 4 years of mixing our lives together it is expected by our families that we should be getting married. Every family gathering I attend I am asked at least once when he and I will be getting engaged.
As if it is anybody's business.
What gets to m
e is that no one asks TFG why he hasn't grown some balls and proposed, because no one expects him to think about these things.If I didn't have people nagging me all the time about "when my big day" would happen I probably wouldn't give a crap.
So here is my question for you
Did you feel any pressure to get engaged and have the perfect wedding?
How do you shrug it all off and be happy with what you have?!
11 Comments:
I'm sure my marriage days are behind me, having passed me by years ago.
Please allow me to ask you a question regarding female competition: Why can't three women be friends? I'm not talking about you and your two favorite female bloggers. I'm talking real life. There's always one "dominant" woman and two others vying for her attention who don't really like each other. One of them inevitably gets left behind.
I've asked this question before and it's always ignored. I demand answers, dammit.
I felt pressure to get married when I was in my mid twenties. I had been living with a boyfriend for over a year and it was simply expected that we would get engaged. It was “time”. We obliged and I got caught up in it. I wanted to be Cinderella at the ball. I wanted my Prince Charming. I think I learned at a very early age that a wedding was very important, that it is "the bride’s day" and that I could expect it to be magical. These messages continued to be sent and I couldn't help but be affected by them. They now make me quite grouchy.
The wedding was magical and I got to dance around in a Cinderella dress. Seems prince charming wasn’t on the guest list as I was separated 2 years later (and divorced a year later).
Hubby and I dated for two years before moving in together and lived together for five years before getting married. When we did get engaged, it was because I asked him (I had a diamond tie tack made for him - cute, no?). We had already talked things to death and knew we were both in it for the long haul, but I was starting to feel a little antsy about having a kid, so I wanted to move ahead with the whole wedding business so we could get on with the babymaking. If it hadn't been for that, we probably would have waited until our state made gay marriage legal because we're both political like that.
Man, I'm rambling. Look, short answer: fuck everyone else. Get married if and when you and TFG want to. I'm glad as hell Hubby and I took our time.
Also? The wedding is one day. Throw a fun party, but do it your way and save the bulk of your $ for a good vacation afterward. You'll be glad you did.
you know what todd, there is no answer. I don't know if we are just naturally competitive or if it is programmed in us.
I know we all compete to be the most pretty, the most liked, blah blah blah.
There is definetly one dominant one, and one who think she only hangs out with the other two because they are uglier then her and she looks prettier by comparison.
KK - I was a year older than all of my college friends. They were all engaged. I wasn't even dating anyone. It sucked. I took great pride in being an independent woman, having a good job, a nice apartment, a great car. But I still longed for my soulmate. I was jealous as hell of all of my friends. But I was happy for them. I have a closet full of bridesmaid dresses. I got tired of everyone asking "are you dating anyone?" and having to say no. I got tired of my mom asking me if maybe I was gay because all of my male friends were and maybe it was "rubbing off" on me.
I FINALLY met someone when the time was right. We dated for a few weeks and then I started getting asked about when we were going to get engaged. Then we did. We got married - and the planning took over our lives. You have to worry about soooo many things. I remember someone saying to me - make sure you take one moment during your wedding day to stop and take it all in. BEST ADVICE I EVER GOT! You get so caught up in everything, that you really don't get to enjoy your own wedding. Not until about 11pm when you're done with the chit chatting and the special dances and the photo opps, etc. You finally have a chance to enjoy it, and it's over.
Of course, the day after you get married, everyone asks you when you're going to have kids. I finally had a baby, and now everyone asks me when #2 is coming.
My point is this: IT NEVER STOPS. I don't know why we're in competition. I don't know why we feel the ache to be married. I hope that it's because we all long to find the other half of ourself; the one who completes us.
I know how much you love TFG. Cherish that. And if you really want to get married, talk about it. And if he doesn't take the innitiative, you can do what Ms Machine did and ask him to marry YOU.
Rings aren't important. Love is.
I'm in no hurry at all. In fact most of the time I think I never want to get married.
And, if I do it sure as hell will not be a big affair. It will be outside and CHEAP. The wedding industry can kiss my ass!
My best friend got married recently, and while I was very happy for her, I must admit that I was a little put off by the fact that my usually liberal, agnostic, and unspoiled friend turned into a materilistic nut case, wanting the most expensive things and the biggest church imaginable.
Nope, I never felt the need to get married and have babies. Actually, I didn't want to at all. I never dreamed of the "big day" as a little girl, never bought bridal mags, nothing.
When I met Mr. Jaded, however, I just wanted to marry HIM. We had a small wedding which we paid for ourselves. I saw no reason to buy dinner for every person we'd ever met to tell us that they were happy for us. We had immediate family only. I bought coursages for every person attending. We went to dinner in the private room of a restaurant, had a great choice of food, had tons of alcohol and had a great time. Cost us a thousand bucks. We had a big BBQ the following June (got married in December) and had a huge, fun party with all of our friends and family. We both have friends who spent as much as 75 grand on weddings only to be divorced a few years later. It's not about the pomp and circumstance, it's about 2 people making a commitment to each other in front of those they love. Period. You should be just as willing to make that pledge in jeans and a t-shirt as you would be in a fancy gown. If not, then you're not ready, in my opinion.
Being married isn't easy. You have to understand that it takes work, sometimes HARD work to make a marriage successful. I think too many people buy into the fairy tale of a big fluffy wedding meaning "happily ever after."
So, if you know all of that stuff, and you still want to get married, then go for it. It's so not about the "stuff" because the stuff comes and goes. It's about 2 people who love each other wanting to pledge their commitment to one another, and that's it. If you get to have a big party too, that's just the icing on the cake.
OH, and Mr. J and I comment all the time about how we're so glad we did it that way. Neither of us have any regrets. I'm not saying that a fancy wedding is a bad idea, only that it's not what's important. If all the important stuff is in place, then a fancy wedding is a really beautiful thing. (Mr. J and I were older - he was 30 and I was 29- and we paid for it ourselves, so we kept it small.)Don't rush. When it's the right time and the right person, the rest will fall into place.
I'm not married, and the only time I feel bad about it is when I am around married people. I wonder if I want to find someone because I really want someone, or because I feel left out.
Tits McGee "Also? The wedding is one day. Throw a fun party, but do it your way and save the bulk of your $ for a good vacation afterward. You'll be glad you did."
I totally agree!!! You will enjoy the wedding, but never as much as you will enjoy the vacation!
Yes I did feel pressure, which is why I have 2 ex-wives. :-)
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