I got nothin, I'm knee deep in computer science notes, I have an exam on the 14th, so wohoo for me.
On a lighter note, I'm afraid that when I finally do see TFG I will have this insane urge to scratch under his chin and behind his ears. Since the only touching I've been doing is to my dogs.
Also My birthday is on the 15th, and yes, having a December birthday chomps.
I have all the December birthdays beat though, cause not only do I share my day with Jesus (since lets face it he just takes the whole month) but my brother was born on my 5th birthday..
I was thinking about doing a whole huge post about the 2 year anniversary of my grandmothers death which is on the 14th (starting to see why I'm not a big fan of birthdays???!?!) but instead I will just state it plainly now.
2 years ago this week my grandmother died from pulmonary fibrosis that she had been battling for over a year in her own little way (read: drinking a 1.5L bottle of wine per day). On the evening of the 14th she died and we had to fight my grandfather to have a funeral for her.
There were no eulogies, no one spoke about her, I think that the pastor talked about The Lord of the Rings and how no amount of special effects could amount to the beauty of heaven.
Few people cried.
Few people showed
Few people knew about it.
They wrote a half inch blurb about her death in the paper, and messed it up, she has 11 grandchildren not 10.
To this day I still wonder which one they forgot.
Her ashes still sit in an oak box at the funeral home, because they can only be released to my grandfather and he refuses to pick them up, guess he isn't sure if they need a seat belt.
I could go on and on about my relationship with my grandmother but that would be depressing. She was an alcoholic, and there is nothing worse then losing a relative and not really being sad she is gone. Thank goodness I was in therapy at the time because I would have landed in it anyway. In the last year of her life, she knew something was wrong and that she was dying. I met her for lunch and refused to bring TFG, didn't want him to suffer.
She was oddly kind. Sweet.
She was actually interested in what was going on in MY life.
She was the grandmother I had always wanted. For one afternoon.
That was the last time I talked to her, and I think she set it up that way.
I visited her in the hospital, watched her wake up and gag on the tube that breathed for her.
I was relieved when she died, since I wouldn't have to see her like that again.
So yea, birthdays for me are peachy.
On a lighter note, I'm afraid that when I finally do see TFG I will have this insane urge to scratch under his chin and behind his ears. Since the only touching I've been doing is to my dogs.
Also My birthday is on the 15th, and yes, having a December birthday chomps.
I have all the December birthdays beat though, cause not only do I share my day with Jesus (since lets face it he just takes the whole month) but my brother was born on my 5th birthday..
I was thinking about doing a whole huge post about the 2 year anniversary of my grandmothers death which is on the 14th (starting to see why I'm not a big fan of birthdays???!?!) but instead I will just state it plainly now.
2 years ago this week my grandmother died from pulmonary fibrosis that she had been battling for over a year in her own little way (read: drinking a 1.5L bottle of wine per day). On the evening of the 14th she died and we had to fight my grandfather to have a funeral for her.
There were no eulogies, no one spoke about her, I think that the pastor talked about The Lord of the Rings and how no amount of special effects could amount to the beauty of heaven.
Few people cried.
Few people showed
Few people knew about it.
They wrote a half inch blurb about her death in the paper, and messed it up, she has 11 grandchildren not 10.
To this day I still wonder which one they forgot.
Her ashes still sit in an oak box at the funeral home, because they can only be released to my grandfather and he refuses to pick them up, guess he isn't sure if they need a seat belt.
I could go on and on about my relationship with my grandmother but that would be depressing. She was an alcoholic, and there is nothing worse then losing a relative and not really being sad she is gone. Thank goodness I was in therapy at the time because I would have landed in it anyway. In the last year of her life, she knew something was wrong and that she was dying. I met her for lunch and refused to bring TFG, didn't want him to suffer.
She was oddly kind. Sweet.
She was actually interested in what was going on in MY life.
She was the grandmother I had always wanted. For one afternoon.
That was the last time I talked to her, and I think she set it up that way.
I visited her in the hospital, watched her wake up and gag on the tube that breathed for her.
I was relieved when she died, since I wouldn't have to see her like that again.
So yea, birthdays for me are peachy.
7 Comments:
That's a terrible thing you've had to deal with. I'm sorry that your relationship with her couldn't be better. I can't help but think it was a wonderful gift she gave you the last time she saw you - the grandmother you had always wanted. I guess she finally decided what she wanted to be remembered as wasn't what she was leaving behind.
Oh, and Happy Birthday.
There was a poetic truth about this post.
I truly relate to your relationship with your deceased grandmother, as it seemed much the same as the one shared with my grandfather.
He died alone and gasping, talking to the ceiling in underpants too large. His children (dad and aunt g.)did not want to touch him,or show him love; for years, Grandpa withheld it from them and it didn't seem...right--somehow being affectionate was a disservice to Gramps.
But my God, when he did die, he was clutching MY hand, and smiling as a baby smiles up at the big wonder of the world. Perhaps, he saw heaven. Perhaps, your grandmother wanted that one afternoon with you, where she was all yours,and you, all her's.
And that's the thing about death. It simply levels us all out.
Happy Birthday,Little Miss Knitty Kitty.
Oh, Knitty, I know exactly what you're talking about. I didn't cry when my grandmother died, either. In fact, I was so stoic I played the piano for her funeral. I don't think anyone else cried, either. She was bipolar, diabetic, and who knows what the hell else. It's ok that you were relieved when she died. Really, it is. In one aspect, it's horrible, but in another, it's not, because it's what you truly felt and you acknowledged it. It would be far worse if you pretended to miss her, or if you hid from those feelings.
I hope you find something happy to do for your birthday. Maybe you should consider a Little Miss Knit day on a different day of the year, and expect everyone to give you presents then. :)
My grandmother, due to a stroke, was paralyzed on her right side for the last nine years of her life. She also lost the ability to speak, and I know that was worse for her because she loved to talk.
It pained me to see her like that. When I was a child, she watched me while my mom was at work. I could read before I could walk because she read to me every day. When she died, I knew it was better for her.
Thanks guys... It looks like this post scared everyone off. don't blame them, i would have ran for the hills from this one too.
I think will declare a new birthday, and snce we are celebrating it on Sat, that one might do for now.
wow todd.
That means a lot.
I know my grandmother was in a lot of pain and had basically been slowly drowning for the last year of her life. She needed to move on. I just wish I missed the grandma I had my whole life instead of the one I only saw for one afternoon.
I am a little behind on my reading... so my comment is a little late. But I get what you are talking about at least on some level. My daughter's grandmother (paternal) died this past summer. She drank herself to death. She had sobered up for a while when I was expecting but it didn't last. For the last 3 years we made many plans to get together with her but she never showed. When she drank she just hid. And that is how she died. Alone. Her kids found her about a week after she died in her apartment. The whole family was suddenly overcome with grief. Seemed strange that they didn't have much time or patience for her before her death and now they were all in mourning but I guess that is just how it happens sometimes.
My little person did not attend the funeral. It seems the funeral was more bothersome to her. She was too anxious to attend with her dad's family and I was not welcome. Instead we devoted a page in her scrap book to the memory of her grandmother who tried on many occasions to do the right thing.
I am glad you have one good memory of her. And while time does not heal old wounds, it does give us experience. I hope your ongoing experiences give you peace.
And I hope you are able to reclaim your birthday as the celebration of you that it should be. You are GREAT!
Happy Birthday!
Post a Comment
<< Home