Either I Blog or I Explode...

and I choose to blog.

I have returned from Melbourne an angry woman. Don't get me wrong, Melbourne is beautiful and I saw some amazing things (like little penguins and the twelve apostles) and hung out with fantastic friend of TFG from all over the world, but I'm still angry.

I'm angry at my mother's travel companion who we shall call the UglyAmerican. If you are not familiar with the term "Ugly American" it is defined as such:
"For some reason, the people I meet in my country (Burma) are not the same as the ones I knew in the United States. A mysterious change seems to come over Americans when they go to a foreign land. They isolate themselves socially. They live pretentiously. They're loud and ostentatious. Perhaps they're frightened and defensive, or maybe they're not properly trained and make mistakes out of ignorance."

Before I begin my rant let me say that I don't believe that all Americans embody this trait, I have just had to experience 5 days with one, and will have to endure 6 more when she stays at my house. If I were not oh-so-Canadian and polite this is what I would say to this foul chore of a woman that has been imposed upon me.

Dear UglyAmerican,

I don't know what drug you slipped my mother that made her believe in a moment of mental fog that travelling with you would be a good idea but that drug has worn off and if you aren't careful, she may kill you. Here are some tips for ensuring you live long enough to return to your blessed homeland of plentiful ketchup and right-sided roads:

• Australians drive on the left side of the road, not "the wrong side."
• If you want ketchup, ask for it and pay the 10 cents. If this makes you "feel fat" then don't eat so much damn ketchup. In the US the cost of ketchup was factored into the price you were paying for it.
• Au-st-raa-lia is not Ha-wa-ii. It is not Germany, stop comparing it to other vacations you have been on.
• Also, just because you saw the Rick Steves sanitised version of Europe does not make you "Lord of the Globe". If I gave a flashlight and a map you couldn't navigate yourself out of a paper bag.
• Australia is not Bangladesh. No offence to Bangladesh, but it might be a logical question there to ask if they have electricity, more then two gas stations or if "the dryers dry clothes".
• Holding up your index finger and snapping "cappuccino" whilst refusing to make eye contact after a friendly 'how ya goin' is a great way to guarantee spit in your coffee.
• We don't care about every single "cute" kitschy piece of shit, made in china souvenir you see. Stop poking us in the arm and jumping wildly. You are giving us bruises and we all might have to wail on you.
• It is not necessary to verbalise every lame-ass thought that passes through your fractured, sad, fox-news-addled cerebral cortex. I know you like toast, shut up.
• If I turn on the tv, while you are sitting with me, don't ask me "who's that guy? What did that guy say when I said who's that guy?" I JUST TURNED ON THE FUCKING TV, I DON'T KNOW. Commercials are the time to chat yet you become oddly silent during them only to chat up a storm during the show.
• Thanks to globalisation one can purchase any number of spices in the United States. If you really feel it necessary to buy IGA brand cheapest-of-the-cheap paprika, that's your choice but stop talking like you're fencing stolen uranium. Trust me, US customs won't give a fuck.
• It is pronounced "nu-tella" not "nut-ella"
• It is pronounced "divor-say" not "divor-see"
• I get it, you like gay men.
• If you don't do any legwork into choosing the accommodation, you don't get to bitch about it.
• quit hording your little packets of "equal" that you smuggled in like they are ancient Mayan gold. We have chemically produced shit here, too.
• If someone is enjoying a snack (say, a muffin) that is not, not I REPEAT NOT an invitation to stick grubby little digits and rip out half the muffin to shove down your ever-widening gullet. Buy your own fucking muffin.
• While were on the subject, if you do decide that what's yours is yours and what's mine is yours, at least make the effort to ask instead of saying "you won't use all that" and shove your knife on my plate.
• If you step on someone's toe, the correct response is "oh, I'm terribly sorry" not "oh, it wasn't that hard". It's my toe, bitch! I'll tell you how hard it was.
• Taking a bath in perfume then getting in a car for 8 hours is just fucking ignorant.
• "American" is a nationality, not a language. Even if it was a language, you have not mastered it.
• Hey Cratchet, take Christmas off and put the ledger down, you are on vacation and don't need to write down every fucking penny you spend.
• The coins in Australia are just fine, I know they make no sense to you but that doesn't make them special.
• Touch my fucking muffin and I will bite off your finger.
• The only thing tackier then bringing in your own can of coke to a restaurant is to bring in the little 200ml can of coke you stole on the airplane.
• If we don't respond, we can hear you, we just chose to ignore you. It is either that or give you the beating you so richly deserve.

Sincerely,

Knitty Kitty and TFG (NOT YOUR FUCKING TOUR GUIDES)

Superman is a gay sadist. Discuss.

Nick Here

I'm gonna give your blog a little CPR and, you know, slip it a little tongue while doing so.

That's how I roll.

Everyone that uses the phrase "That's how I roll" owes me money. I coined the phrase in 2001, you can ask any of my real life friends. I should've had it fucking copyrighted.

Anyway, stolen idioms are not why I am here today. Please help me pick out a new pair of sunglasses.



As you can see, I am ultimately buying avaitors, the differences lie in mirrored or non-mirrored, framed or non-framed and amber or some other color.

I'm currently leaning towards B or E.

Thanks for your help with this important matter.

How lazy has a kid got to be...

... to play Lego on their TV?

Kitty!

This is the life!

I love guest blogging! Good luck with the exams and have fun with your Mum, Miss Knit! We'll miss you!

HELP!

Between 2 exams and a major project (9,000 words and counting. seriously) I want to rip my hair out.

But this Sunday I get to go to Melbourne for a week to meet up with my mum!
After a week with her there, she will be coming to Brisbane to hang out here for a week.

So if my lovely contributors could return and keep the blog fires burning that would be great.

I'll be back with interesting stories and more energy.

Musical Revolution

TFG and I have been on a music buying spree, here is a list of the fabulousness rocking out of my ghetto stereo:

Feist - Open season
- A remix of various song on her 'Let it Die' Album. Too much fun.

The Herd- "The Sun Never Sets"
- A great mix of fun and political music, from a great Aussie band. Definitely my kind of hip-hop.

The Grates - "Gravity Won't Get you High"
- The Grates captured me with their song "Inside/Outside" that I heard on the radio unedited (a shock for me with the chorus "some motherfuckers think they are born to dance"). If my mum wasn't here when they were performing here in Brisbane, I would be there in a heartbeat.

Lily Allen- "Alright, Still"
- Because sometimes a girl want to hear silly little pop songs about a girl living her life, not taking any crap.

Panic! At The Disco "A Fever You Can't Sweat Out"

I love the names of tracks on this album, so long and inviting. This is a great album to have on in the background since all the songs flow together and you never know when one song ends and one song begins. It's also great to listen to closely since the lyrics are so quick.

Where is everyone?

Since long posts scare people, I will be brief.

This shocked and saddened me

This made me happy

This made me giggle with glee and start my birthday/xmas list


Updated:

This made me laugh... I mean spewing milk out my nose.

I am currently in the process of creating a 2 year work program for years 11 and 12 English. One of my units is in Science Fiction and I'm trying to relate it to teenage girls.
Can anyone think of science fiction novels, appropriate for a 17 year old audience with girls involved? That would rock.

From WTF file #4453354322234

At a caucus meeting today, up to nine Labor MPs expressed concern about Mr Beazley's proposal to make anyone entering Australia pledge their commitment to values such as democracy, respect for women and mateship.

Some MPs feared the plan would be misinterpreted and be seen as entering a divisive race debate with the Federal Government, a party spokeswoman said.

"There were a number of caucus members, about nine caucus members, who raised the issue of the visa and values statement," she said.

The spokeswoman said the majority of people who spoke were concerned about the way Labor's stance could be interpreted, but Mr Beazley gave a strong defence of his decision to raise the issue.

He told the meeting Labor should be arguing about the importance of true Australian values and that this was part of that.

The spokeswoman said no one contended that Mr Beazley's statement was adding to divisiveness.

"There was a desire indicated to have a further discussion about these kinds of questions which was really a reference to the broader debate about divisive politics, rather than the very specific debate about visa conditions," she said.

"A number of caucus members indicated their general concern that with (Prime Minister John) Howard re-raising issues associated with the Muslim community, that they were concerned that once again Howard was out there playing divisive politics."

Some caucus members told the meeting that Muslims in their electorate had suffered from being targeted in the past by having their head scarves ripped off, children spat at or being ignored by staff in shops.

"There was a concern about the divisive nature of some of these debates," she said.

Meanwhile, the Australian Greens today accused Mr Howard and Mr Beazley of "appalling populism" for considering asking new arrivals to sign a values pledge.

Senator Kerry Nettle demanded they provide evidence of any crisis of Australian values before insisting on any such requirement.

Mr Howard said he would consider Mr Beazley's suggestion that Australian visa forms could include a statement of Australian values so all people arriving in the country would understand what was expected of them.

"Yesterday, Kim Beazley signed on to John Howard's appalling populist agenda by suggesting migrants and visitors who don't sign on to Australian values are part of the terrorist threat," Senator Nettle said in a statement.

"Where is the evidence that there is a crisis in Australian values in our community? There is none. It is simply a populist scare campaign."

Senator Nettle said new migrants were some of the most community-minded, hard-working people, and it was appalling to question their commitment to a safe and peaceful country.

"Mr Beazley should think about the effect his comments have on new migrants and those coming to visit before coming out with ridiculous unworkable and essentially meaningless proposals like this one," she said.

If someone is coming into your country with the explict plan to blow shit up, do you really think they will be stopped by a "pledge"??

I also love the part about the pledge including "respect for women". Are you going to make current citizens make the pledge?!

WTF??!?

The beauty of Australia.

*Note to The Todd, this post contains some chilling details about my love of a certain singer that you think deserves "shovel justice" please don't see it as a huge failing in character*

One of the great thing about living in Australia is that some of your favourite bands come here and aren't incredibly popular, so when they perform in a small venue you can get there 10 minutes before the concert starts and still be 5 feet from the stage.

A few weeks ago I was having a shitty day and I decided last minute that TFG and I should go to a Mraz concert going on that night. Mraz was his usual funny and entertaining self, but every time he stopped talking the audience would holler out names of songs they wanted him to play. The poor man felt like a bloody jukebox! While I felt bad, I couldn't help it and I yelled out "Please play I'm Yours!!!"

Since this little ditty of his is only available on one of his first EP's, he was understandably surprised and looked at me and said "seriously?!" and I of course jumped up and down like a giddy school girl.
He came back out for the encore and said "I'm gonna play a little hippy song about love"
I screamed.
Embarrassingly so.
As soon as he started singing I turned around and started making out with TFG, as this is a song we normally dance and make out to in our kitchen.
Little did I know that Mraz and his drummer were staring at us and were quite impressed. There was a certain level of whooping and hollering and it made me feel a tad silly, but I didn't care.

As we were leaving the concert I saw that I could sneak up to the van and probably rock it all the way into the backstage area if I could play it cool enough. Since I would never have the ovaries to pull that off I settled for a note on a paper bag put under the rear windshield wiper.

Greatest. Night. Ever.


If you are keen to see/hear the song, through the glory of youtube it is available here (could I recommend that you put it on and minimize? he looks rather constipated while singing)
So what song makes you think of the person you love/d?

Eeep!

Seeing as I am one wild girl, I have to get thing ready for TFG's return.


I think I'm ready to get started, I've got my high heels on and my hair is done up.












I had better start dearling with dishes first...














Then there is the little problem of the living room. I really should have kept the crowd for the party under a hundred. Anyone got a shovel?














I REALLY shouldn't have let those crazy people steal all my furniture and spray paint the walls of the bedroom.





















With the whole place nice and clean for TFG's return, there is one thing left to do...


Shave (NSFW)

kookaburra

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Merry, merry king of the bush is he
Laugh, Kookaburra! Laugh, Kookaburra!
Gay your life must be

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Eating all the gum drops he can see
Stop, Kookaburra! Stop, Kookaburra!
Leave some there for me!

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Counting all the monkeys he can see
Stop, Kookaburra! Stop, Kookaburra!
That's not a monkey that's me

Kookaburra sits on a rusty nail
Gets a boo-boo in his tail
Cry, Kookaburra! Cry, kookaburra!
Oh how life can be!

Want to hear what a kookaburra sounds like?


The kookaburra have come to my neighbourhood and they wake me up at the crack of dawn.
Still gonna miss them when I leave.

Best. Excuse. EVER!

A Swiss man caught speeding on a Canadian highway has blamed his actions on the absence of goats on the roads.

The man was caught driving at 161 km/h (100mph) in a 100 km/h (60mph) zone.

A traffic officer's notes said the Swiss driver had said he was taking advantage "of the ability to go faster without risking hitting a goat".

Canadian police spokesman Joel Doiron said he had never found a goat on the highways of eastern Ontario in his 20 years of service.

"Nobody's ever used the lack of goats here as an excuse for speeding," Mr Doiron told the AFP news agency.

"I've never been to Switzerland, but I guess there must be a lot of goats there," he said.

The driver was ordered to pay a fine of C$360 ($330; £175) for speeding.

Source

Viva Glam

Dita Von Teese
is working with the latest MAC Viva Glam Campaign

How can anyone look at this amazingly sexy woman and still think the stick insects on TV and in magazines are hot?

I'm Convinced...

The only good thing about myspace is myspace music.
It's the reason I got to download a song by "Suburban Kids with Biblical Names" after hearing it on Triple J.
how else would I find out about bands from Sweden that sing "Tropical/Regional Mexican" music?!?!


Now if you will excuse me, it's 2 am, and my butt is killing me from doing work on the floor, papers strewn everywhere and an unopened 6-pack of toilet paper supporting my back.

A Country in Mourning

As my plane was landing in Australia 7 months ago, Steve Irwin came on the screen to welcome me to the country and to remind me about quarantine.

Australia is now mourning his death, the day after Father's day.

I got to watch a memorial to him on television with three Aussies from the Sunshine Coast (his hometown) and I got to better understand just how important a person he was for them.
From the footage of him being interviewed, talking about his kids and how much he worshiped his wife and family, it is honestly really sad. There has been an offer by the Premier for a state funeral, and it seems like Australia really loved and appreciated him for what he did to help raise awareness for Australian wildlife and tourism.

So for all my North American friends let me just let you know that Steve Irwin was more then the guy you bring on late night talk shows with the animals so that he can entertain you by saying "crikey", to Australians he was a true mate.

Update: Thanks to Todd for this story

You have GOT to be kidding

Channel Ten here in oz has filled my life with a fair amount of entertainment. They are also a haven for shows that tend to drive me nuts, you know, reality shows.
I don't find pleasure in Big Brother or "Yasmine is Getting Married" (apparently I'm not alone since it got cancelled) nor do I enjoy Australian Idol.
This little reality show takes the cake. All the narration is redone so that the Australian viewers will find it more appealing, either that or Sean Astin has a very convincing aussie accent.
When TFG and I saw the ads for it, we couldn't help but laugh! A television show dedicated to the day-to-day goings on of a meerkat family?!! who comes up with this stuff!?!
A week went by and TFG left and I got lonely and I will admit it, I watched the damn thing.
Since the little buggers don't talk and the narration makes their daily routine seem pretty damn exciting they were much, much, much more entertaining then Big Brother.
I might watch next week just to make sure they don't give the cute little meerkats a diary room.

Captain Planet

Does anyone else remember this fabulous cartoon?