Sunday, April 30, 2006
Why is the Panda Molesting People?

After a nice, classy evening of drinking red wine and playing cards at a friends house, TFG and I heard what sounded like a good time at a bar nearby.
We figured, what the hell! It's 11:30, we should check it out.

When we got there the bar ("The Rumpus Room") was packed with people wearing boas and lei's dancing the electronica beats being blasted by the dj with his wall of records. The drinks were tasty and cheap, and people were wearing funky clothes. TFG and I got a very gay vibe from this bar, mainly from the dildo-like art and the amount of lady-on-lady action that was going on (down boys, it wasn't that hot).

The strangest part had to be the person in a full-body panda costume. The panda was running around molesting and being molested, and everyone seemed to know the panda.

It was around then that we figured that the panda was going to start some kind of orgy and since we didn't have a camera, figured we would leave.

Saturday, April 29, 2006
One (1) sex drive
If found, please return to Miss Knitty Kitty
Any tips as to the location of the missing
sex drive will result in
a reward*
A lost sex drive is a terrible thing!
Any help that can be provided
would be greatly appreciated
*reward of one chocolate chip cookie*

Thursday, April 27, 2006
Its a bird, its a plane, its... the hoff?
Mountains of group work is driving me crazy, so instead of writing something insightful I'm going to continue shooting fish in a barrel.

How many things can you find wrong about The Hoff delirious ramblings?

"I can go into any hospital in any country and make a kid smile and forget about their pain for a couple of seconds. How fantastic is that?! I just walk in. All the kids go, 'AAAAH! Michael Knight!'—and they're coming at me with their IVs! It's incredible. Michael Knight is my shield. [Booming voice] I AM SUPERMAN, and I can go ANYWHERE!"

Later, he recounts how women in Iran watch Baywatch via satellite. "They're sitting there oppressed—they can't vote [sic], can't do anything! And then they go, 'What the fuck?! This is the world! Why I can't I go out there?' And then they pull their burkas back and they've got blonde hair! It's a question of the culture and the freedom it gives to these people."

Ah yes, it's all about The Hoff, spreading democracy and blond-in-a-bottle, through the magic of bouncing fake tits.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Britney is pregnant again

Ya know what this means? Another 9 months of seeing her and ugly ass husband plastered all over the news and the internet. Another round of stories about how Britney isn't eating right and Kevin-I won't wear a frickin condom- Federline keeps smoking around her.

It also leaves the innocent public to the possibility of another round of freaky sculptures depicting Britney in fictional (Britney had a c-section) poses.
Dammit Britney, just when I thought we would all get a break from this bullshit you had to turn around and get knocked up again.

i don't know which part is more pathetic..
The fact that the only magnets I have on the fridge are spongebob ones that came free in my container of nutella...

The fact that I have 5 of the 6 in the set.

I ran away
to Moreton Bay
For the day

Okay, enough of that.
I tried my hand at snorkeling and fell in love, got to see some amazing fish, some sharks, rays and a massive turtle.
I've also fallen in love with wetsuits since it cuts out the two things I hate most about swimming, being cold and being exposed (read: bathing suits are evil).
The whole day was capped of with a lovely trip to the emergency room after TFG got his big toe caught on some sharp oysters that decided to leave a little bit behind.
We were in and out of the emerg within an hour and one tetanus shot.

Saturday, April 22, 2006
A yes, a true artiste.
I'm debating a new regular feature "Celebrities say the stupidest things"....

"I've always had a great voice, you either have it or you don't. It's something you're born with. I'm a brand, a model, an artiste, an actress, a designer. I write books."
- Paris Hilton

Note to Paris: Unless you have Alaskan King down there, lose the pube crabs then we will talk about all your talents.

Friday, April 21, 2006
Go Bears

A conversation with an Aussie at my Uni...

Aussie : Your from America!
Me: Well, Canada actually
Aussie: Oh,so Australia's version of America
Me: Umm.. sure
Aussie: So do you really keep all your doors unlocked like in the movies?
Me: Yea, sometimes
Aussie: Wow... So do you miss all the Mooses and the Mounties??!
Me: Well... they don't exactly go trapsing around downtown Toronto, so no
Ausie: Ah, just like people think kangaroo's go running around the city?
Aussie: So have you ever seen a moose?! how about a bear?!
Me: Sure, in a zoo.

I can't tell you how many times an Aussie has asked me about bears , since there are none here.
Now to be fair, before I got here I would have asked equally silly questions about koalas and kangaroos, but its still funny.

Thursday, April 20, 2006
I forgot my brother's birthday.
blame the 20 zillion hour time difference.
blame the fact that I'm not in school and lost track of what day it is.
blame the fact that I have pretty much no contact with him since I left.
Bottom line is I forgot and no matter how bad my relationship is with him, I still feel like shit.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006
This is me playing the worlds smallest violin.

"I spent many nights crying myself to sleep wishing I was ugly because of the way men leered and disrespected me, because they assumed things about my mental capacity or my physical willingness based on the way I look,"
- Evangeline Lilly

Sorry, I'm feeling to fat and sassy to have any sympathy.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My brother has a band

It's him and his friend, no instruments.

You can listen to three tracks here

I have no clue about half the words, but I'm starting to regret offering my couch to him and his buddy for a month.

Update: My brother wanted to send you all a message "thanx for all the support guys, but sadly we have no tour dates planned other then your moms house this weekend, and we will be betting more pictures up soon, all you can see is our guitarist and bassist right now, we will get more with some of our featured artists aswell with big time stars like bluesy gray on harmonica. Thank you again for all the support""

Monday, April 17, 2006
The Big Pineapple
A while back, Ubie introduced me to The Big Pineapple . This weekend I had the chance to see it and man was it tacky.

The climb to the top provides you with a self-guided tour of how a pineapple goes from the plantation, to the store, and in products we all know and love!

My favorite one was the "wiggles juice" but there had to be a hundred different products on display, all thanks to the pineapple.

We decided not to go on the tour of the Macadamia nut farm, and not just because it was nut-tastic, it was also expensive. My tours of nuts don't usually cost money!

So there ya go, our trip to the tourist trap, where the largest attraction is gift shop and all the ticky tacky comes from china.

Sunday, April 16, 2006
Before I left for Australia I had heard of this great site called Japander . This site has a collection of advertisments that star American celebs. They are hilarious.

Little did I know, this is also common practice in Australia. When I first got here I saw an ad for a fruit juice staring an actor from "The Bold and the Beautiful" (kudos to loz for the link, and getting me started on this post). Then, it was Ben Affleck trying to sell "Lynx" body spray.

The best would have to be Kim Cattrall having orgasms driving a "Nissan Tilda" hatchback. As if Cattrall would drive a nissan!
So there ya go, doing stupid ad's is not just restricted to Japan!

Thursday, April 13, 2006
V for Vendetta and other Thursday Night Ramblings.
TFG and I went to see V for Vendetta last weekend and then had a nice drink at the bar and chatted. I really enjoyed it since it wasn't very black and white, but some aspects kinda irked me. The bottom line I guess is that it makes you think, and its always nice when a movie can do that.
In true TFG fashion, he wrote a review
If you haven't seen the film and plan on it, you may find a few spoilers in there.
If you have seen it or don't plan on seeing it, get your ass over and comment on my lovies blog.

Thank you.
I got my haircut and it turned out quite nicely! I have enough layers that my thick hair doesn't mushroom out at the bottom and they gave me an aromatherapy neck and head massage.
good times.
In my universities final turn in the screws they are drilling slowly into my brain, they have posted the practicum assignments (the report telling us what schools we will student teach at for 4 weeks) and my assignment wasn't there.

Attached was this little note (italics are mine)
1. Do not panic, placements will be found. okay, breathing deeply, not going to panic
2. Many schools simply have not confirmed probable placements. okay, sounds reasonable.
3. We will know a lot more by the end of the first week back at school (Friday 21st April) hmm... seeing as I start prac early may that is cutting it pretty close...
4. Education Queensland is now taking an active role to help us find the remainder of places. remainder places??! I though I had a placement that wasn't confirmed, now you are sending in reinforcements?!?
5. We have emergency plans including two students per teacher (in first practicums only) and more placements with Years 6 and 7. I have to teach 6th and 7th grade??!?! I didn't sign up for this shit!
6. Please do not contact the PEO asking if we have placed you. We need to spend all our time arranging the remainder of places. ya... I wonder why you don't want us calling...

Monday, April 10, 2006
What is wrong with me?

Why do I have such wierd sex dreams?
Last time I had a celeb sex dream it was with Jon Stewart.
And two nights ago it was ::gavomitting a little:: Kelsey Grammer...

TFG isn't sure we should go see X-Men 3...

Friday, April 07, 2006
Crazy Tom!!

Between the big signs being placed in his house telling everyone to stay quiet around his spawn, the ipod and adult sized pacifier for Katie to chew on during labour and his just general ass-hat nature, Tom Cruise scares me.

And what the fuck happened to Katie Holmes? I mean she wasn't all that "in the news" before she started playing tonsil hockey with Tom, but was she always that vacant? Did Tom give her a lobotomy?!

Why are we all just learning about Tom's craziness?! I know he fired his publicist but unless she was drugging him, there is now way he could just all of the sudden decide to go on TV and be a crazed asshole all the time, right?
And what is all this crap about a silent birth!? I went to the Scientology website to find out...

What is a quiet or silent birth?

Having a quiet, gentle birth is all about providing the best possible environment for the birthing mother and her new baby.

It is labor and delivery done in a calm and loving environment and with no-spoken words by everyone attending as much as possible. Chatty doctors and nurses, shouts to “PUSH, PUSH” and loud or laughing remarks to “encourage” are the types of things that are meant to be avoided.

As L. Ron Hubbard, Founder of Dianetics and Scientology, wrote, “Everyone must learn to say nothing within the expectant mother’s hearing during labor and delivery.” And, “A woman who wants her child to have the best possible chance will find a doctor who will agree to keep quiet especially during the delivery, and who will insist upon silence being maintained in the hospital delivery room as far as it is humanly possible.”

Does this mean that a mother cannot scream or moan at all?

Of course they can make noises — the point of silent birth is NO WORDS. This is a principle of Dianetics and to fully understand why, read the book Dianetics the Modern Science of Mental Health, by L. Ron Hubbard. It is words that are the culprit. Outside of not speaking, the objective is generally to have as peaceful and relaxing an environment as possible for the mother and child. It is doubtful that any woman could give birth without making any noise at all.

Mothers naturally want to give their baby the best possible start in life and thus keep the birth as quiet as possible

Newsflash, babies can hear in the womb. They know sound is supposed to occur, so when they are born and all of the sudden there is no more sound, then wouldn't that freak them out even more?! How are you supposed to bond with a child if you can't talk to it?

What is Scientology anyway? Every time someone tries to interview the church, they end up getting sued, and if you try and lampoon them Tom Cruise will probably try and crush you.

It almost makes me want to read their stupid books just so I can understand what all the fuss it about, but then I might end up like Katie, all vapid and silenced, and not just during child birth.

I'm spent
Well I had a shitty week, how about you?
I looked up "homesick" on google images and this came up... I couldn't resist.
At least I'm ending it well with butter chicken, lost and scrubs courtesy of iTunes, and then my favorite movie of all time on tv!
What can I say, I love Aaron Sorkin.

I'm risking it and going to try to get my haircut next week, I don't think I will tell her I'm going to be an English teacher or my hair might turn out like this!

Back to the drinking.
Maybe then her hair will look good and her teeth won't look scary.

Thursday, April 06, 2006
Calling all hugs

Its officially 1 am.
Tomorrow I will drag my sorry ass to school, print my last god damned assignment, come home and start drinking.

In better news, TFG has been offered a 6 month placement at a fantastic school teaching film and television, this secures him here with me for the rest of my time here in Oz, and it provides us with the financial security to pay for our bloody $200 energy bill..

since this week is all about the blog love, I'm sending all kinds of hugs (of the koala and/or cletus nature) to Ubie, because running around to different hospitals is never fun.


Tuesday, April 04, 2006
2 down, 2 to go
and I'm loosing steam.
After I write an exam at 9 am, I have no desire to write the essay I have due for Friday (that needs to get started and finished).
BNL's "Everything to Everyone Album" is rolling, "War on Drugs" always makes me want to cry.
I never do, and then I feel like maybe I'm made of stone...
Alrighty, I must lighten up this blog. So here goes!


I hope when that special time in my life happens, it will be as magical as this..

But I'm pretty sure it will end up being a pregnancy induced race to alter.
I procrastinate that much.

An ode
I'm all about the ode's lately eh? Must be because there is so much blog happiness right now.

Sysm, a blogger we all know and love (and if you don't know him, get to and then love him) has just reached a milestone of 200 posts and wants comments on his blog to sky-rocket (there are even prize incentives!)
So head on over and say hello!

I did a google image search for "sysm" and this came up. I couldn't resist, especially since random-ish images are just so "sysm".

Monday, April 03, 2006
The Shaggin Wagon

My brother has name our car.
"Shirley, The temple: A Shrine to All Mom Wagons"

and no, this is not my car.
It would be sweet if it was, though.

Without you I was broken
but I would rather be broke down with you by my side... "Jack Johnson"

one down, 3 to go.
2800 words.
my fingers hurt.
New sheets in the mail from my mum
took 3 months for them to get here
sleep on 500 threadcount tonight
such bliss.

Back to my simple 'un-aware of the real world yet' college student life.

Sunday, April 02, 2006
60 second blog posts
I hope everyone is enjoying their sunday and is being especially lazy. It's monday here, and I have one essay almost down, one more to go and an exam.
This week will have teeny tiny posts, to curb my addiction while not taking up much time...

I wrote this yesterday


French press coffee
A cotton tank top with lace straps
His pajama bottoms precarious on my waist
2 newspapers
Classic Verve recording on the stereo
Just the way I had imagined it.

Saturday, April 01, 2006
R.I.P iPod

I'll miss ya.

A replacement will arrive in 2 weeks, at which point my brother will have to name it.

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