Sunday, December 31, 2006
A round up
Of my super fantastic year...

TFG and I ran away to Australia and lived in stinky, flea ridden hostels.

TFG and I are still in hostels for the beginning of the month and deal with the insane heat in Australia. I begin to deal with Aussie Television and talk about my double baptism

TFG and I are adopted by a lizard, my brother gives it a back story. We finally see a koala and a kangaroo . We ventured out for St. Patty's day and got really silly. I open a can of worms.
TFG and I attend a "bad hair party"and my poor hair suffers.

I visit "The big Pineapple" .
Blogger: Knitty Kitty Can't Think of a Title - Create Post
I start partying with SaucyBrit and wake up with dental floss between my toes.
My building got hit by a bus.

Went to Sydney
Began our road trip.


Got stuck in Mossman, are treated like kings by nudists
I bring "Boob Scotch" to the masses.

11:00 pm, New Years eve... I give up.


Friday, December 29, 2006

I'm glad I don't have any New Year's Eve plans, because I accidentally waxed a fair portion of my left eyebrow off.

My mum claims that the little penciling-in-job I did makes it hardly noticeable, but she isn't wearing her contacts. I may very well look like this.

All I can do is pray it gets very very cold here so I can wear a toque.

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Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I'm starting to see...

...why my mum is cursed when it comes to electronics.

See, I got an ifrogz case from my iPod for Christmas and I had just put it on. I was showing her how pretty it was when she took in and tapped my iPod on the ceramic tile counter a few times. The befuddled conversation went something like this:

Me: What the HELL are you doing?!
Mum: Just seeing if it works.
Me: What was the up side to this test? If it doesn't you have to buy me a new iPod?!
Mum: Well I thought that was what it was supposed to do!
Me: It's silicon! A thin, rubbery plastic! How about I wrap your desktop in newspaper and drop it off the top of the stairs!
Mum: I see.
Me: Don't touch my iPod. Ever.

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
San Francisco
TFG and I went to San Francisco for a few days to visit some old friends of his and his godson. When we first got there we were saying things like "lets have babies in 2 years", the next day it was 4 and by the time we left we were planning on adopting a ten year old in 7 years.
2 year old are cute though and sometimes they know it. Godson had a way of picking out words he heard that he knew he wasn't supposed to say and repeating them. Whenever there was a lull in the conversation he would look up from his book and say "Goddammit this is terrible!" and of course we would all laugh and he would repeat it.
My favorite had to be when TFG was reading to him:

Godson: The dragon in the book has a tail.
TFG: yes a lot of dragons have them.
Godson: I have a tail, it's right here *points to his back* do you have a tail, TFG?
Me: Oh he sure does.
Godson: Can I see it?
TFG: Oooookay.... Back to the story...

Children are a hoot, especially when they aren't yours.

Sunday, December 24, 2006
Merry Christmas
My Christmas Card to all of you.

But seriously, I drove back from San Francisco last night and on the way I was parked on the highway for an hour because of a 4 car pile up. Considering the shape the cars were in I could tell that some people are going to be having a really horrific Christmas.
It blew my mind that as soon as we got out of the accident and back into the fog people started driving 85 miles an hour "to make up time" and almost hitting me in the process.

If you are traveling this year to visit any family or friends, please be safe.

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Monday, December 18, 2006
San Francisco Way
Please excuse my lame post but this was the longest period of time I could get since TFG got here where he wasn't molesting me.
Thank you all for the fabulous birthday love, it was a lovely day. I had a great pedicure (pictures to come) and my mum bought me two pairs of frivolous shoes (pink and blue heels).
The highlight of my day had to be my fabulous gift from Tits and the explanation I had to give to my mother concerning it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you tits. There was much squealing.

There will be pictures soon of the lovely pendant between my bosom.

Well enough about me, can we talk about the freak show called "Identity"? For those of you that didn't watch the rerun on Bravo because your boyfriend's jetlag is keeping you up, this show lets a person make judgments about a person's "identity" based simply on looking at them. If you make enough correct guesses you win half a million dollars but a little piece of yourself dies.
Watching the thought process of the contestant unfold is possibly the most revealing thing about a person you could ever see, it might be a good way to weed out dates, make them play the online version and let all their prejudices come out. The contestant is presented with 12 people and choices (ranging from profession, medical history or interesting facts) that they have to match the people to based on how they look. I thought profiling was wrong?

If the show lasts more then a month then I would take it as a sign of the apocalypse.

Back to the molesting, better posts after Christmas I promise.

Friday, December 15, 2006
Happy Birthday To MEEEEEE!!!

Today I turn 24.
My brother turns 19, we are freakish 5-year-apart-twins.
That lucky bastard.

Today's agenda includes some new shoes and birthday sushi, how lucky am I?!
Send me some birthday love, cause I ain't getting any at home.

Thursday, December 14, 2006
Dear Annie...
I read this in my local paper this morning I thought I would share the stomach churning goodness.
Dear Annie:
I can sympathize with "Losing it in North Carolina," who found out about his wife's sexual past.
Alright, lets stop here for a second. When I saw this I thought that this man's wife cheated on him. Otherwise, what is such a big issue that it is worth writing in for?!
Like him, my wife swore there was only one guy before me (that was 25 years of marriage ago). Last year, I found out there were at least five others.

5 whole men? What a whore.

I felt duped into marriage, but I have grown to accept that these things happened before we met. We've talked a lot in the past year, and I think our relationship is better now.
Wow, aren't you a big man, do you want a cookie? A standing ovation for accepting that your wife had a life before she met you!?

The problem is, I can't stop asking my wife about the details. I spend lots of time thinking of questions regarding her past. Not only does she not want to discuss any of this, she gets very angry whenever I bring it up. Can you blame her? I told her this is my way of trying to come to grips with it. What is there to come to grips with exactly? Is it OK to keep asking her about these details, or should I try to find some way to erase my memory? -- Lost in Virginia

Alright, so honestly, am I overreacting about this guy? Do you think men (or women) have a right to full disclosure before getting married or is it really none of our business?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Might as well face it.
A couple weeks without TFG and I'm a total wreak. Having to let go of the life I made in oz and the friends I had as well as prepare for a totally new challenge in Toronto has a lot to do with it too, but when I used to freak out about these things he would snuggle with me. Also, for those of you playing the home game, this Thursday is the 2nd anniversary of my grandmothers death but enough of all that.

On to happier things, like my birthday!!
Unfortunately the bar is raised high after my last birthday especially since I had the honor of a song from our very own monkey!

So this Friday, try and top that.
I dare ya.
Please, I really got nothin going on.


Monday, December 11, 2006
Children's letters to God
My favourite is :
Dear God,
If you watch in church on Sunday, I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Friday, December 08, 2006
It's a Knitter's World

Check out this video, it took a month to knit the sets!

Thursday, December 07, 2006
Have I Told You Lately, That I Love You?
Miss Kendra?
Today my holiday goodness arrived, and it is FANTASTIC!!!
Shall I walk you through it?
First there was a lovely card, I've always wished I had pretty handwriting.

Then there was this amazing bag!
Our crafty Miss Kendra turned a pair of green corduroy pants into this kickin' purse.

See why it rock? it is lined and has pocket and everything!

And last (but certainly not least) there was a lovely set of magnets, one with my blog header picture on it!

Thanks tons Ms.Kendra!!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006
God Damned Republican Dentists.

I've just finished reading devouring "Running with Scissors".
This book has given me a new perspective on my life and my mother in particular. Can I just say, she rocks?

My republican dentist however is a condescending bastard. Today I was asked to come in one hour early for an appointment, then I had to sit and wait for 45 minutes. Already I'm a tad miffed.
While he is jabbing the side of my mouth with big, sharp needle he starts talking the the nurse:

Stupid Dentist: Considering this filling is on a contact point we should probably use the alternate filling style. The usual style might not be able to handle the wear and tear.

Nurse: Would you like me to talk to her?

Stupid Dentist: Yes you talk to her while I go speak to her mother.

At this point I don't know what the hell is going on. Are they talking about me? a previous patient? Then the dentist leaves and I give the nurse my best "WTF" face without being rude. She then explains to me that because of where the filling is being placed they want to use a silver filling instead of a white one because they don't last as long. I ask a couple questions and I agree that the silver one is probably best, not that she was asking my opinion in the matter.

The dentist then returns, jabs me some more and starts scraping at my teeth, causing that awful burnt-out-hair-dryer-smell. Ewww...
Before he is about to place the filling in he interrupts his current "why I'm a friendly republican" story to ask the Nurse if she and I had discussed "the situation".
If I didn't have three hands in my mouth and a hole in my tooth that needed filling I would have left. I wanted to scream at him "What the hell is with you!!?! Have you ever read my chart? You are aware that I turn 24 next week not 14, right?! You know that I can make informed decisions? You know that it is your job to inform me of my choices? WHY would you leave this to your nurse, we aren't talking about my first god-damned period here, its just a filling."

But I didn't. I Just sat there with the three hands in my mouth, not very sure what was going on and how deformed my smile would be and then got in the car and cried.

I hate depression.

Monday, December 04, 2006
Further Proof

We are taking baby steps to a healthier body image, but they are tiny ones.

Remember how I bitched about Dove? Well they have somewhat redeemed themselves with this video.

In a not so positive step, in reaction to speculations that Jennifer Garner is pregnant, she has come out and said that she isn't, she is just fat. "I am as physically unfit as I've probably been in my whole life. It's such a horror in front of the mirror with no clothes on." she also says her trainer is appalled, "My trainer just shakes her head and says, 'This is a disaster.' "
Thats right everyone, at a whopping size 8 she can't look at herself naked in a mirror. While she should never have to explain to the media how she let herself balloon out of control like this, Jennifer Garner can still bite me.

Sunday, December 03, 2006
Baby Steps
Step 1: Admit that models are underweight and start doing something to encourage them to change

Step 2: Hire normal looking women like Crystal Renn to model for major fashion houses like Dolce & Gabbana.
<--- isn't she gorgeous?!

Step 3: Don't relegate her to "plus sized"

Saturday, December 02, 2006
Ah, the weekend.
I was gonna bitch about this but instead, how about some humor?

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