Things I have learned...

1. After I walked into a nearby school and 20 minutes later had my internship secured, I am apparently presentable and can appear competent. Woohoo! Now if only I was competent.
   
2. I came to understand how quickly a person living in an abusive relationship can be conditioned to prevent the abuse as much as possible. I was frightened by how quickly I learned to do things a certain way to prevent my grandfather from yelling at me.
   
3. If I could wake up one morning and knit as fantastically as Miss Kendra I could die happy.
   
4. No matter how many times I move, it never gets any easier. At least this time we have only been here a couple of nights and our art is already on the walls. Now only if I could get the boxes out of my way.
   
5. I forgot just how bloody cold -12 degrees C is.
   
6. I forgot just how much hard work shoveling snow is.
   
7. iTunes audiobooks are brilliant when you need to read a book and unpack.
   
8. After watching TV with TFG last night, I remembered just how deaf he is. Oww my ears.
   
9. Christians need sex toys too, but they have to go to a special store.
   
10. Nick can't spell fellatio.
11. Making Ikea bookcases level is a bitch.
    
12. In the caption contest there is a tie (official judges being myself and TFG) " Face-Eating Vagina Attacks Again! Spectators watch in entranced horror!" and " everybody wins in "spot the lesbian.""
13. Sitting here blogging whilst TFG puts things away is a little annoying, off I go!
    

Greetings from the Great White North.

I have escaped the evil clutches of my demented Grandfather with his maniacal anger at a variety of things (like sneezing). Moving into my new place with TFG was a breeze but that might only be because half our stuff isn't here.
I have had a thoroughly depressing week and am still in recovery from the soul crushing experience living with a man with alcohol-induced dementia who was never really nice to begin with.
I will have better news and a winner from that ingenious contest, in a couple of days after I finish my detox.
Now if you will excuse me, "Snakes on a Plane" is awaiting my passive enjoyment.

Crazy Caption Contest!

While our darling Miss Knit is away in the great white north, I would like to enlist your help in an entertaining diversion: write a brilliantly clever caption for the picture below. Whoever is deemed the winner by Miss Knit when she returns will win a prize of my choosing. Get to work, O snarky ones!

Happy Fucking New Year

Want to know the one thing I truly hate about the New Year?! Ad's for weight loss programs/foods or pills.
Why do all the "After" pictures look like anorexic twigs?! I see these women in the "After" shots and I want to tie them to a chair and feed them a burger. The worst is the "Total Cereal" ad.

If you have not had your retina's scared by this terrible ad, let me give you a quick synopsis. A woman is going through her old clothes and finds some torn up jeans she wore back in her hippy days. Her daughter sees them and says "ooh mom, you used to fit in these?!" the mother is so shamed by her daughter's comment that she goes on a "Total" diet and loses enough weight to fit into the same jeans she wore when she was 20.

Can I just give a big ol' "Fuck you" to Total Cereal? A 40 year old woman and a 17 year old girl do not have the same jean size and quite frankly, they shouldn't.

If I could rewrite this advertisement it would go like this:

*jeans get pulled out of old box*
Daughter: Wow mom, you used to fit in those jeans?
Mom: Yes dear, then I gave birth to you, you ungrateful shit. Get your god damned hands off my jeans.

I am beyond frazzled trying to pack up so I can leave for Canada early at 3am on Wednesday. 6 suitcases of my crap later and I have TFG worried that our apartment might not be big enough.

Since I'm sure you don't want to hear me sing the praises of safe spacer bags, I would rather introduce you to this website. Some people believe that the internet was created to share ideas and information, others think it was invented to distribute porn and bootleg movies. The guys responsible for "You Suck at Parking" believe it should be used to shame people who don't know how to park their freaking car and for that, they rock.

subtle hint to my contributors, your help would be greatly appreciated while I get settled in Canada. Unfortunately my Grandfather does not have WiFi.

Reason number 223665433 that my family is fucked

Oh fair bloggers, as I finish the last glass of a fantastic bottle of wine I feel the need to share a short conversation that I had this evening with my parents whilst watching "24". I think that this interaction with them is a great example of why I am so messed up, in a socially positive way.

As my father left the living room adjacent to the kitchen to grab a piece of chocolate the discussion began:

Dad: I am going to get chocolate, I could get it for myself but...
Me: That would be terribly rude
Mum: Bring the chocolate or suffer the consequences.
Dad: Fair enough, I do want to get laid tonight.
Mum: ::exasperated sigh::
Me: Dad, so do I but some things just ain't happening.
Dad: Ah well, worth a shot.

Scientists have not fathomed a number high enough to count the amount of times my parents and I have had a conversation filled with talks of sex or sexual innuendo.

As I begin to ponder having my own children I feel like I should record these moments and show them to them when they take me for group therapy.

Imagine if you will,

That you are walking down the street, it is a nice bright day but it is terribly cold. You go to open the cold metal door to your office, wincing in anticipation because you forgot your gloves an you know that handle is gonna be hella freezing when all of the sudden, you see this:
Thats right, your door got hit by knitted graffiti, by the people of "Knitta Please" making the world a hell of a lot warmer.

Little Miss Crafty

Another reason why I haven't been blogging very well lately? My fingers have been too busy being crafty.
First thing I made was a knit skirt.
I loved making this skirt because it fits me absolutely perfectly.












With the left over yarn I made a pair of "Fetching" gloves and will probably make a gazillion more pairs of because they are just that comfy (and easy!)
So far I have made one other pair and started another.
Since I have no project monogamy I of course moved on.














My project polygamy was fueled whilst watching the DIY network, these fabulous washer necklaces spoke to me, so I made a bunch of them.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go back and think up what to knit for the men in my life.
Any suggestions?

Wow

My posts have been sucking it lately and between that and big group hangover we are all experiencing the comments have been a tad low, I'm okay with that but I figure I should talk about it.
My posts have been sucking because well, nothing has been going on that is worth writing about! I used to be seeing all sorts of fabulous interesting things when I was in Australia, even if all I had to do was step out my door. I haven't even gotten that far lately. The best I've done is Costco and the dog park and while I have made funny observations at both places (like how the bibles and the O'Reilly books are next to each other) they haven't really seemed blog worthy. The other reason my posts have been weak can be attributed to family issues. My father went to visit his siblings and father only to figure out that his brother (who was the only one in a 5 hour vicinity) had been slowly watching their father kill himself through malnutrition and alcoholism. This piece of human garbage I no longer call "Uncle" threw frozen dinners at my Grandfather during his once a week drive-by visit on his way back to his house to eat the lobster he bought at Whole Foods. So now my grandfather is in the hospital and things here have been stressed to say the least.


The good news is that TFG has found me a fabulous place to live and I can't wait to move in and start feeling a little more settled.

As far as the weak comments, I put the blame for that squarely on you people, especially you lurkers.

So in honour of De-lurking week, can I introduce Fluffy?
I wouldn't ignore Fluffy.

The gift every woman wants

I have been singing this all day. NSFW
Thanks to TFG, I found out that there is a reply

Enjoy!

Beyond Fat Camp

Apparently weight loss camps in the summer are not enough for some families. According an article I read today overweight children can now be banished to a boarding school as well. In the article it explains that at this school students are restricted to 1,200 calories a day and 12 grams of fat. The school website boasts of students losing 150 in 9 months.
So there you go parents of the "overweight generation", for a mere $5,800 per month you too can have the skinny child you always dreamed of.

Dear Prospective Landlords,

I know that TFG and I do not seem promising and that our application looks a little sparse, but if you could give me a second, I can explain why we would make good tenant.

The whole no-job = no-money thing
Now, lets start with the whole lack of income thing. I am a student and I only have 3 months left where I will working very hard for no pay. After that, I will find a job doing something and we are offering to pay 4 months in advance to show we have financial backing, so really that should cover it, right? TFG will be getting a job ASAP, but it is terribly difficult to get a job when you can't put a local address on the application (see the terrible cycle we are in?) and right now he is spending all his time looking for a place to live!


The whole no-references-you-could-be-serial-killers-thing
First of all, let me assure you that we are not serial killers. We do have references, but they are from Australia and they would have nothing but glowing words to say about us. Now I know that calling Australia would drive up your phone bill and figuring out that pesky time difference is extra work over the other tenants who have never left Toronto but I believe we are worth it.


Rent to us, we are adorable. We are quiet, don't fight and don't cook too many stinky things (I do enjoy onions). I know that at 4 pm we were "at the top of the list" and that other people might come in and apply with shiny local references and jobs, but we can promise:

• We will never cook meth
• We will bake cookies at Christmas
  
• We will not spray paint the walls
• We will not throw rowdy parties
• I will knit you something pretty
• We will keep the kitchen impeccably clean
• We won't play heavy metal music
  

So please Mr.Landlord, I just can't stand another day of searching for listings and TFG can't look at one more stinky, awful place.

Sincerely,
Knitty Kitty

check out my other letter, to TFG below!

Dear TFG,

I have a couple of concerns. Your absence has caused a serious gap in my life. A gap no amount of masturbating can fill (believe me, I've tried and I have the carpel tunnel to prove it) and think you need to start taking care of it. Now I know, I know, I will see you in 2 weeks, and you were here over Christmas, but to you remember how much sweet love you gave me over Christmas?
Yea. Once.
So while I know you said "I can't wait until we finally and romantically hump" that just isn't enough for me. You need to do more before I burn the motor on my vibrator.
I will accept the following:
Saucy pictures (of you or others, par example: Jake Gyllenhaal)
Saucy phone calls
Saucy emails
Or just find me a place to live.

Fucking Apartment Hunting

I started off my apartment hunting on New Years Day and it has gone downhill. I started off with dreams of "Friends" style, large apartments with nooks near large windows or high-ceiling lofts with funky bookcases creating rooms. I was getting creative and downright hopeful.
It was all your fault, you crazy people who list "spacious, well lit bedrooms", art-deco design and beautiful patios.
You all lied
A "spacious" bedroom is more then 10x10.
Slanted roofs are not art deco.
After TFG spent a whole day driving around looking at apartments and came up short .
My dreams have been reduced to nightmares of shitty bachelor apartments like this:
Kill me now.

I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it.

The lovely pendant was a gift from Tits, so it seemed appropriate. NSFW

Happy New Year!

Craig's List. It's the new crack.

I'm trying to find an apartment in Toronto. Seeing as TFG will be doing all the running-around-viewing of the places, it is only fair that I do all the leg work. There are word documents and excel spreadsheet documenting my hours on various websites. My favourite at the moment is "Craig's List" .
The fantastic thing about it is that it is free. Free means that people can put up pictures and as much information about the unit as they want. I am using this to my advantage. The only problem with it is the constant updating. I can't help but continuously return to the site, updating to see if new rentals have been posted. I can't stop.
Just like crack, after a little taste of what Craig's List has to offer, I am left wanting more, to venture out and see what else is available to me.
First I looked into what I could pick up for free in the Toronto area. To my surprise there are great things out there like couches and beds and gerbil cages! The lists go on and on!
After that I decided to try out the jobs section and it contained the usual telemarketing and modeling jobs, kinda boring. Then I found this fabulous "Adult Gigs" section.
Did you know that someone would pay me disgusting amounts of money to put on stilettos and kick a man in the coin purse?
When I told my brother about my new addiction he let me know about the "Best of Section" that he claimed was the most fun of all.
He was right.
The best of, should you ever have the chance to peruse its contains rants to people of all kinds as well as strange requests. Things like a mother offering to pay for a prom date.
My favorite is still "197 reasons to date me" with such fantastic reasons as:
164. I've never been on Jerry Springer
165. I may have already won $10,000,000.
126. I smell pretty good (Kind of citrusy and pina-coladaee)
04. I'd fuck Angelina Jolie too

Now if you will excuse me, this post took 3 hours to write due to constant refreshing of the list, so back I go.
Happy New Year.